where You go, i'll go

"don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity"

1 Timothy 4:12

i think that my fear of performing inadequately or failing because people see me as 'too young' often haunts me. in terms of leading a mission's trip this summer, it has definitely become an issue. i know in my heart of hearts that God uses ordinary people to do His will, and i know, without a doubt, that any thing i do for Him will be blessed and bring Him glory. i know that He empowers the weak and gives us the measure of faith we need. i don't doubt that, and i don't doubt Him for an instant. but i doubt myself, often.

sometimes i look at myself and think, 'i'm only 20 years old! there's no way i can do that!.' correction: a lot of the time i look at myself and think that. but T and i were talking about this next summer together and i was reminded of Paul encouraging young Timothy, reminding him that age is not an obstacle, and it should never hinder us. 

i feel completely incapable of leading people older than me. actually, that's wrong. age seems mostly irrelevant in this stage of life. i feel completely unworthy of leading people who i think are more experienced and more equipped than i am. that's where my insecurity lies. 

saying 'yes' to the opportunity to co-lead the trip is one huge leap of faith. it's risky and it's uncertain. the only thing that is certain is that the journey will bring about a beautiful outcome, whether that's in the next six months, or never in our lifetime. God's purpose and His plans go so far beyond what we see. His perspective is so much bigger than our narrow view. we see next week, next month, next year. He sees eternity. i can't even begin to fathom that.

saying 'yes' to this opportunity means that we're going to be pissing Satan off, as T would say. i'm afraid i'll be too weak to fight. then again, it's not me fighting the battle, is it? ephesians 6:1 says 'be [made] strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.' He fights our battles for us, and that's a truth i'm going to have to constantly remind myself of.

saying 'yes' to this opportunity means opening ourselves up for huge growth, not only personally, but also as a couple. and that scares me too. i know the outcome will be so rewarding, but going through the growth is going to be uncomfortable and challenging. it'll mean loving even more selflessly, communicating even more clearly, and trusting wholeheartedly in God's plan. placing us in His hand's. there's normal growth in those areas, and then there's just asking for it. we're asking for it. i have no doubt in my mind though that this is God's plan for us. i'm just terrified that i won't be strong enough, humble enough, or loving enough. there's a 97% chance i'll fall flat on my face. then again, it's God's work, right? He will carry us through. He will equip us and strengthen us in our time of need.

if anything, decisions like these force me to consider how far God has already brought me. i'd say i've been through the ringer, in a lot of different situations. i've been in uncomfortable and undesirable situations. i've been stretched and pulled in directions i just don't like. but God has never, ever, let go. He has blessed my life in ways better than i could have ever imagined. He won't stop now.