options are good but decisions suck, especially considering that i'm the most indecisive person ever. no really. ever.
to go abroad next semester or to wait til fall?
to study abroad or to stay here and work with habitat for humanity during spring?
to bulk up on afternoon classes and go for an internship?
to intern in london?
to take an 8am class or not? (that one isn't so tough...)
which physical science?
to take italian again?
to apply for another job?
thanks for all the doors God...but now what? lightning bolts. notes. an angel. i don't know...anything would help.
blah. that's all. back to the sharpies and binder paper...
October 12, 2010
tonight i am once again floored. by God. of course.
does it ever feel like the God "no's" are so much easier to hear than the God "yes's"? yeah. me too. and somehow whenever He gently says no, He opens up another door in a huge way. i know this is all very vague. forgive me, i'm still trying to process everything myself. each and everyday i feel that the Holy Spirit has been prodding me, challenging me, pushing me. and as uncomfortable as it is sometimes, i wouldn't have it anywhere. it means He's alive. and He's here. and He cares about me.
about a month ago, at fall retreat for church, the speaker talked about "it/thou" relationships: it - in our busy and face paced society, we often view people as functions (i.e. the girl at the financial aid office? she's just the "machine" that's going to complete this form, stamp that seal, and call me so i can come pick up the form. the bagger at the grocery store? well he/she is just there to take my groceries, bag them (which i secretly wish i could just do myself) and say, "do you need help out?"
our automatic response to everything is "no, thanks, i'm good." or "thanks, i'm fine." and everytime we shut someone down with a heartless and automated response, we quickly slam a door shut that maybe God was nudging open. busy-ness is a dangerous thing i've learned, for it makes life all about "me." - what's on my to do list today? - where do i need to go now? - it's a here now gone in the next moment kind of lifestyle and it's completely unhealthy and complete un-Christlike. for some reason, God has decided to place the girl at the financial aid office in my life, or the bagger at the grocery store, and each and every encounter is a small test to see where my heart is -- if it's wrapped up in "me"/"my plan"? or constantly anticipating God's next move, however big or small.
everything needs to slow down. today God told me this : "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." i am a planner/organizer/thinker/doer and yet i often get so wrapped up in what i have to do that i forget about what i'm doing, in the moment. honestly, if today were to be my last day, i can tell you that it's not a note i'd like to end on. did i savor every moment? did i cherish every encounter? did i do everything i could to reflect Christ and to treasure the life He's given me? or did i spend so much time worrying, stressing, and running around that i completely forgot to just breathe and give it all back to Him?
too much. His patience. His love. His renewing mercy. it baffles me. but tonight i'm not going to try and figure it out. i'm just glad it's there. because believe me, without it, i'd be a messier mess than i already am.