where You go, i'll go

"don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity"

1 Timothy 4:12

i think that my fear of performing inadequately or failing because people see me as 'too young' often haunts me. in terms of leading a mission's trip this summer, it has definitely become an issue. i know in my heart of hearts that God uses ordinary people to do His will, and i know, without a doubt, that any thing i do for Him will be blessed and bring Him glory. i know that He empowers the weak and gives us the measure of faith we need. i don't doubt that, and i don't doubt Him for an instant. but i doubt myself, often.

sometimes i look at myself and think, 'i'm only 20 years old! there's no way i can do that!.' correction: a lot of the time i look at myself and think that. but T and i were talking about this next summer together and i was reminded of Paul encouraging young Timothy, reminding him that age is not an obstacle, and it should never hinder us. 

i feel completely incapable of leading people older than me. actually, that's wrong. age seems mostly irrelevant in this stage of life. i feel completely unworthy of leading people who i think are more experienced and more equipped than i am. that's where my insecurity lies. 

saying 'yes' to the opportunity to co-lead the trip is one huge leap of faith. it's risky and it's uncertain. the only thing that is certain is that the journey will bring about a beautiful outcome, whether that's in the next six months, or never in our lifetime. God's purpose and His plans go so far beyond what we see. His perspective is so much bigger than our narrow view. we see next week, next month, next year. He sees eternity. i can't even begin to fathom that.

saying 'yes' to this opportunity means that we're going to be pissing Satan off, as T would say. i'm afraid i'll be too weak to fight. then again, it's not me fighting the battle, is it? ephesians 6:1 says 'be [made] strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.' He fights our battles for us, and that's a truth i'm going to have to constantly remind myself of.

saying 'yes' to this opportunity means opening ourselves up for huge growth, not only personally, but also as a couple. and that scares me too. i know the outcome will be so rewarding, but going through the growth is going to be uncomfortable and challenging. it'll mean loving even more selflessly, communicating even more clearly, and trusting wholeheartedly in God's plan. placing us in His hand's. there's normal growth in those areas, and then there's just asking for it. we're asking for it. i have no doubt in my mind though that this is God's plan for us. i'm just terrified that i won't be strong enough, humble enough, or loving enough. there's a 97% chance i'll fall flat on my face. then again, it's God's work, right? He will carry us through. He will equip us and strengthen us in our time of need.

if anything, decisions like these force me to consider how far God has already brought me. i'd say i've been through the ringer, in a lot of different situations. i've been in uncomfortable and undesirable situations. i've been stretched and pulled in directions i just don't like. but God has never, ever, let go. He has blessed my life in ways better than i could have ever imagined. He won't stop now. 

trusting Him

for those of you reading this, if that's anyone, today has been a day...let me tell you.

ever have one of those conversations where five bombs are dropped on you and you're sitting there after an hour going, 'um, what happened?.' well, that happened today. it's all for the better i know that, but T and i were sitting there with a friend of ours and both said, 'what is happening?!.' so believe me, 2012 is bringing a million changes. a lot of is still confidential, so unfortunately, i'm going to have to be a little vague in this post, but hopefully you still get something out of it...that's the hope, always!

first big brain-bomb...

travis and i have been asked to co-lead a summer mission's trip, and we are both so so stoked about it. we met with our mission's pastor today to talk about his experience there and his hope for the summer team, and how we will play into all that. a part of me is so excited about the opportunity, so excited about what God is doing in this country, and so excited to visit the missionaries there, some very dear friends of ours.

the other half of me is terrified. when we were first approached about leading the team, we though at first that just meant travis, which would make sense. he's been on a ton of trips, has been at bethany for a long time, and has seen and learned a lot throughout his time there. it seems natural for him to step into this next level of leadership.

me, on the other hand...i've been on one mission's trip with bethany (argentina, last summer), and i've only been at the church for about 2 years...i really only feel like i became more plugged in during this past year. i still think of myself as a newbie, but over the last six months, the Lord has opened door after door for me to serve. i haven't really asked for anything; it's like God has just placed opportunities into my lap. in response, i've had to step out in faith and serve with a willing heart. sometimes, i feel like that's all i have to offer. He does the rest. this mission's trip is another one of those opportunities.

co-leading this trip over the summer would be a huge leap of faith, for me personally, and for us as a couple. we'd be leading adults older than us; i'd be leading the women. resolving conflict, administering things efficiently, building into them, and communicating effectively with T, our team, and the missionaries there all come along with the job, and i feel so incapable of doing it all well. at the same time though, it's in our weaknesses that God is glorified, so in one way, i'm glad i don't feel equipped for this. if we take on the role, that means God is doing the work - we're just his vessels.

on a relational level, i think this opportunity could bring huge growth between T and i. as leaders, we'd be held to an even higher level of accountability. if there isn't unity between us, unity between the team will be weakened. working together will require constant communication and an attitude of humility. the experience would teach me a lot about respecting him as a man and as a leader. i can be stubborn, opinionated, and head-strong. thankfully, so can travis, and he can put me in my place (one of the reasons i love him so).

preparation for this trip would begin now. it would require monthly leadership training, and constant prayer. this is the first major decision we've had to make, and that's exciting to me! it means praying together, discussing our hesitations and expectations, and working together to serve the Lord. if T goes into ministry, it's a little taste of what our life would look like. in my heart of hearts, i couldn't be more excited.


...and number 2:

i'm up for a promotion at work, and i had an interview for the position this morning. it went well i think, but if anything, i might have been a little straightforward. which isn't a bad thing...i don't think. taking this position would require more time, but also give me a challenge and more pay (both of which would be great!). but work is not my priority. in fact, on my list of priorities, it falls at like...number 5. and i told my manager so. truly, this whole situation is in God's hands too. if my manager is looking for a hard worker, then hopefully i'll get the job. if she's just looking for someone to do her beck and call and sell themselves to Jamba, then nope, forget it. we'll see if honesty really is the best policy...

i have absolutely no idea what God has in store for this year, but i'm 100% that He has a great plan in store. i could worry, or i could just simply trust Him. i'll choose option B.

norcal vacation-ing: day 4

what happened to day 3? i'll get back to it...on wednesday, i threw a bridal shower for my best friend, and that deserves a post of it's own (plus i still have to edit the hundreds of photos!).

on thursday, we had another coffeeshop morning, this time to visit one of my very very good friends Jordan. she works at 'the nugget,' a super fancy grocery store with a coffee bar and this fantastic lounge upstairs. i love that place.

blowing kisses

they were SO excited to meet each other...it made my heart smile!

 

 

 

his beard is like velcro!

thursday was our last full day up north, and T was desperately craving an off-roading adventure. so we packed the family into the car and headed up to sly park, and found some fabulous backroads. it was a riot!

love my fam bam.

the boys

the girls

best dysfunctional family photo

God lit up the sky with this beautiful sunset on our drive home...see what i mean about open skies? what a masterpiece.

norcal vacation-ing: day 2

tuesday of our little getaway was the 27th, which just so happens to be our monthiversary. i can't believe it's already been 10 months, and how quickly a year is coming up on us. i remember everything like it was yesterday, and i'm truly only falling in love with T more and more every day - a deeper, truer, unending kind of love. we started the morning at caffe santoro, a little coffeeshop just 10 minutes away from my house, owned by my high school friend's dad. the owner is part of the church just up the street, and there is such a sense of community and small-town-ness in the caffe. i absolutely love that about home. we spent some time in the Word together, took pictures, and just absolutely relaxed. i love love LOVE coffeeshop mornings!

one of my favorite things about up north is how much space there is. space for giant oak trees, big back yards, and vast skies. i love that we have to work outside to maintain what's ours - whether that's chopping down trees, splitting wood, shoveling manure, cleaning the barn, trimming the hedges, or mowing the lawn, the space forces us to be outside. and it's beautiful. at home we have a little (powerful) woodstove, so every winter we need to be prepared with plenty of wood. from moving it, to splitting logs twice my size, stacking it, and then chopping it for kindling, i know wood. and i love it. at the same time though, i am super thankful that there's another guy around now to help out with things like that. what a blessing. and i love T's willing and helpful heart, especially to help my mom with whatever she needs. i am so thankful for their relationship. he's simply an extension of our family, and he is so loved by all of them.

beautiful mama

yes please.

on tuesday night, we had dinner with my best friend's family. her fiance is currently visiting as well, and it was such a joy having all of us around the dinner table, laughing, talking, and catching up. so much change is happening this year (they're getting married next month!), but i am looking forward to every bit of it. her family is my second family, and i'm so grateful for their friendship over the years. les' fiance wes and T bonded over immature guy things, but seeing them get along brought joy to both les and i...so much joy that we left the table and their gross conversation to have some grown-up girl speak in the living room ;] i wish i had photos of that night, but the time just got away from me! and i was enjoying every bit of it too much to whip out my camera...

but truly, by tuesday, i felt like i was home again. and you know what's funny? i could see us living a life like that. away from the city, in a smaller town, close to those we love, spending time with others. wouldn't it be magical...

norcal vacation-ing: day 1

today's the day to catch up on photo editing! here are a few snapshots from our vacation up in norcal. on monday, the boys went out on the deck to play around with josh's new airsoft gun. T was so excited, he just had to bring his pellet gun along as well. i love that these 2 get on so well. it's so important for josh to have men to look up to, and simon and T do a great job providing the role models joshua needs. i'm so excited to see what kind of wonderful man he's going to become. his little heart already loves God deeply, and he is always trying new things and making new friends. he is truly such a gift to our family. it's amazing how God takes away, but he also gives abundantly. 

that night, T and i went to el dorado hills to enjoy a delicious dinner at Pete's (thanks to Simon and Ash!). we had spent the afternoon shopping - our first shopping trip ever! - and it was SO successful (thank you post-christmas sales). T has been looking so fly since then. merry christmas to me ;] the food was delicious, the beer was great (according to T, of course), and the company, well, it's always the best!

sheer delight...the saints were playing ;]

i adore him.

 

what a happy vacation...don't worry - it gets even better!

2012 resolutions

last year, i made a gigantically huge list of new year's resolutions which i've kept posted along the side of my blog. i loved them, and 2012 doesn't mean i'm going to get rid of them. in fact, i think those resolutions are more a way of life that i want to continue cultivating into this new year and long after that. 2011 taught me a lot, and some of those goals opened up opportunity and challenge for me.

for example, confront issues: ever since i moved away and started college, confrontation has been a huge lesson i've learned. 2011 held some huge issues, and i had to confront people i had known all my life, which is way harder than confronting people you aren't so deeply attached to. there's much more to lose in those conflicts, but also, so much to gain. and i'm so grateful for all the struggles, because they have deepened friendships and strengthened me. dating has also opened up a lot of opportunity to practice confrontation. when you have a person and they're your best friend and you spend time with them almost every day, it becomes really obvious when i have a problem...i can't hide it. learning to be confrontational, but also tactful and loving is a lesson i'll constantly be learning, and something T is patiently teaching me. for that, i'm extremely thankful.

i did go on a road trip (a few in fact) and reclaim my straight A's. i bought an SLR camera and learned much more about photography. i did something different, started saying 'i love you' much more, prayed more, and drank more tea...and tons more coffee. but all of those things seem petty in the big picture. they're a way of life, but they're not my purpose.

this year, i have one resolution. well, it has a few parts - but it's one idea.

be content. be content in my circumstances, no matter what they are, instead of wasting time and energy comparing my life to others. this year is going to be bring a lot of change, not in my life directly, but in the lives of my friends, and that's going to affect me. my best friend is getting married in a month, people have been getting engaged up the wazoo lately, and i suspect there are more weddings happening in the very near future, many of my close friends are graduating, and things are going to look very different in my world by this time next year. it'll all be for the better, i don't have a doubt about that, but my life might look very much the same next year. i'll still be at CSULB, i'll still be living on Long Beach, and i'll still be dating T (as far as i know ;]). as other people charge on into new stages of life, it's going to be very easy for jealousy to rear its big ugly head. that's why i'm resolving to practice contentment, because i know it'll be challenging.

part 2 is this: live in the moment. don't worry about the future or constantly plan ahead. be prepared, but not obsessed. God places small blessings in my life every day. i don't want to miss them just because i'm too busy thinking ahead. does that make sense? i'm a planner, and already, i've found myself starting to worry about situations i have no control over right now. who will i be living with next year? where will i live? what will i do over the summer? thankfully, T is completely the opposite, and so together, we balance each other out pretty well. i want to live in every day, every moment, and not waste time stressing and fretting over things that might not even happen, things i have no control over. every day, i want to better trust God with my plans, and rest in the knowledge that His plans are best.

so there you have it. 2012, i'm excited for all the change you promise. by the end of this year, i'll be on the brink of graduation and huge changes in my own life. but God still has a lot to do through me and through T & i over this next year, and i'm excited for Him to use us. i'm trying not to get ahead of Him, because He still has big things in store. i just know it.

love explosions are blowing up my life

i think i'd truly enjoy just one day where i don't hear the words 'engaged,' 'marriage,' 'wedding,' 'fiance,' or anything wedding related. i'm not bitter at all - i truly am so excited about all the happy news and for everyone who is entering that season of their life. it's wonderful! it's just blowing up my life a little bit right now. welcome to my 20s, right?

oh dear.