homeless

the last 2 days have been spent organizing, packing, & moving - i have sifted through my entire wardrobe and all my belongings. you'd think that after moving 12 times in the last 4 years i'd be a pro at this now, but i'm not, and there's nothing i don't look forward to more than a move - again. throw in the fact that my fiance and his big muscles are coincidentally out of town this weekend (it was a pre-arranged trip and there's nothing he could have done otherwise - honestly, i'm glad he's having such a fun man-weekend away!), and you have a very mentally/emotionally/physically exhausted girl.

on tuesday, we signed the lease to our wonderful little apartment, but it isn't move-in ready until sunday. about 6 weeks ago, my landlords asked me to move out by may 31st since they were expecting family to visit and needed the space i lived in. in between may 31st and june 2nd are a few funky days, and i'm now in the midst of those.

half of my belongings are stored in my old loft until sunday, so we can just move it straight into the apartment instead of moving things twice - and for that i am so thankful. travis' truck is filled with boxes that are ready to go, and the rest of my life is packed into one little suitcase - the necessities i'll need for the next few days. i feel like a nomad tonight, and i hate it.

i wish my best friend was here so that the loneliness hovering at the edge of every plan and thought wouldn't overwhelm me. i'm currently spending the next few nights at a friend's house, but they're out of town until monday night. so i'm sitting in a big, empty house with a suitcase next to the bed and the rest of my life in boxes, waiting to move into its new home. if i'm being honest, bitterness is hovering at the edge too - jealousy that T is having the time of his life with some of his best friends celebrating an upcoming marriage, envy because my grandparents are up north visiting my family and i so desperately wish i was eating dinner and enjoying game night like they are right now. another part of me feels rejected, kicked out to fend for myself without a home base until we create our own home base again.

dinner was a bowl of popcorn and a glass of water - the joys of having your pantry stored up in boxes as well.

i may be an introvert, but i do not like being alone. i don't need a lot of people - just one, maybe two, or just family. 48 hours of endless moving is enough alone-time.

on the flip side, i am so excited for my first bridal shower tomorrow afternoon - i wish i could just sleep until noon and wake up and go, so that i wouldn't have to spend the morning puttering about and keeping myself productive. but i dread the evening after, when after all the love and celebrating has ended, i'll drive home to that big, empty foreign house again and wish myself to sleep as quick as possible.

it all sounds very dramatic, i know, but it's not fun to be in the middle of it. i am so thankful for a roof over my head and the hospitality of friends. i just wish the timing had all turned out a little differently, and i keep praying for understanding of His plan and peace about this transition. but really, i would love to push fast-forward and be over this.