May 29, 2012

good bye

i'm usually not great at saying good-bye. i stay pretty emotionless during the hugs and the 'see you laters.' the reality of the good-bye doesn't typically sink in until days or weeks later.

not tonight.

tonight i am one big blubbering female mess.

for the next six days, T will be on Santa Barbara Island as part of a class trip. not seeing him for 6 days is strange enough, especially since we're used to spending at least a tiny bit of time together every day. but on a little one-square mile island out in the Pacific, there's also no service or source of communication whatsoever. the fact that we won't be in touch at all is absolutely killing me, and i'm not sure why.

maybe it's because i've been psyching myself up for this trip for a few weeks.

maybe it's because i'm afraid something might happen to him, and i won't be there to help.

or maybe it's because i'm absolutely bananas for this guy. 

the tears started on sunday night. it was one of those nights where he was my rock exactly when i needed him to be strong. he was praying over me and encouraging me, and i think it suddenly dawned on me that i would be without that for a while, longer than i have ever been in our last 15 months. 

this afternoon, we spent a few last hours together, and i was dreading the end the entire time. the tears came again when we were laying down, just relaxing and enjoying some quiet moments with each other. i am so stupid in love with him, a love that is deeper than anything i have ever known before. i started picturing the next week without him, and as fun and busy as it will be, it will no doubt be lonely and empty. the stack of cards he handed me will be an absolute lifesaver, and since we always seem to be on the same page, he has a stack of letters from me to read throughout the week too. thank goodness.

i will miss telling him about my day and hearing about his. 
i'll miss his advice when i need it and his perspective on things.
i'll miss his challenges and his encouragement. 
i'll miss his hugs and holding his hand.
i'll miss hearing 'i love you's' every day and laughing my head off.
i'll simply miss being next to him and doing things with him. 
i'll miss my best friend most of all. 

thankfully, we both have God in our hearts, and i am praying for extra portions of His comfort, peace, and strength this week. i'll confess to you that i feel absolutely ridiculous for crying all the way home from san pedro. i thought i was the strong and independent girl. i'm pretty sure now that if anything were ever to happen to T, it would be through God's strength alone that i would survive and carry on. i guess that's what happens when you fall deeply in love with someone.

1 comment:

  1. oh girl, i will pray for you.
    if it's any consolation, i have been a "blubbering female mess" about my boy too thus far & still have a few months to go!

    do something special that you can only do by yourself when he's gone!