a new home

it has been the craziest week i've had in a long time. a displaced, all-over-the-place, emotionally heavy, transitional week. i have packed boxes, stored boxes, moved boxes, unpacked boxes, built furniture, been to IKEA three times, scoured craig's list, almost hugged the gas and internet representatives, cried til there were no more tears, yelled at God, broken down before God, snapped at my fiance, laughed, not slept very well, sweat, and missed work. it all sounds so very dramatic, i know, but it has been rough and exciting all at the same time. i'm sitting at our new dining table though with my first cup of coffee in our new home sitting next to me, and things are finally feeling a little more put together. 

i want to take a minute to apologize if i've let anyone down in the last week, and i know that i definitely have. i've tried my best to keep it all together, but i'm human, not superwoman, and this last week reminded me of that. and i need Jesus, so very much. 

i had a Job-night on wednesday - that's what those nights always remind me of. those nights where you're fighting and things keep getting more difficult and you finally reach the end of your rope - and you get very real with God. He better come through on all His promises i said to Travis, in between all the tears. and in the last few weeks, we've kept reminding each other He has brought us this far. He won't set us up to fail. and that is the Truth. 

though our new apartment is by no means close to being finished, and won't be until after we're married and moved in together, the big things are here - a vase of flowers here and a little decor there make it seem a little less empty and a little more homey. the big homemade dinner i plan on making Travis tonight will definitely seal the deal - and let me tell you, he deserves it. i don't know what i'd do without him. don't remind me that he's leaving in less than a month for most of July, and won't be back until 13 days before our wedding. that's going to be an adventure, another trial and joy i pray the Lord carries us through. 

i, of course, busted out my camera for a few first peeks of our new place - and i can't wait to keep making these four walls into our cozy newlywed haven!

happy friday! 

martyr

i'm a martyr, in case you didn't know - and no, it's not a good thing.

because i'm also stubborn and dramatic.

and stubborn, dramatic martyr is one messy and selfish combination.

a friend said to me a few weeks ago that she started learning all the uglies in her heart once she became married, and that it was a tough road, but full of deep growth.

i have become painfully aware of the uglies in my heart over the last year and a bit, and right now, it's all i can see.

i am so undeserving of love, but so abundantly thankful for it. and every day, because of love, i will strive to be more worthy of it, and i will not take it for granted.

losing control

yesterday afternoon, a horrible and unexpected tragedy struck seal beach, ca, the next town down if you're driving along PCH. eight people were killed as a gunman opened fire on a small hair salon in a peaceful, quiet, tight knit community. the greatest tragedy of it all is how quickly it happened, and how mercilessly these innocent lives were taken.

this week has been what i would call a 'heavy' week, and yesterday's events only further confirmed that. ever since, i've had that gnawing feeling of uncertainty hanging around me; i guess you could say i feel 'on edge.' those feelings are not from God, but they are real. in light of everything though, there is one truth that's been resounding in my head - God is in control, & that knowledge is so very reassuring.

this past weekend, at women's retreat (pictures are coming, i promise!), a lovely lady from our church spoke about identity, and clinging to our identity in Christ when everything is stripped from us. four years ago, she unexpectedly lost her husband of 51 1/2 years, and her story was absolutely heartbreaking. yet, she reminded us all that though circumstances change, our God never, ever changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. what a wonderful hope that is, to know that even when our lives are spinning out of control, or this world is plummeting and we can't stop it, God still remains, His truths remain, and there is unwavering strength and hope in Him.

sometimes, i'm thankful for the bad, because it reminds me of how big, how awesome our God is. He sees it all, sees a bigger picture than our narrow 'here & now' perspective. He understands our sorrow, and yet He provides endless joy. He understands our weakness, and in it, gives us His strength.

our theme for the weekend was to "keep God first." being in His word and in constant prayer are the simplest (and sometimes the most difficult) ways of doing that. sometimes, it takes bad things in order to draw us closer to Him, but He promises that when trials come, He is there. when things are good, He is still there. He is always there - how awesome is that?! 
  
i couldn't imagine life not knowing such power and love. without it, there'd only be hopelessness.