chick flicks and refrigerators

tonight i watched a chick flick for the first time in a long time, like a very long time. you just can't go wrong with Nicholas Sparks. T would have rolled his eyes the entire time while he begrudgingly watched with me - ha, no let's be real, a chick flick wouldn't have even been an option - but he's out of town this weekend, so i am seizing my girly opportunity. 

let me tell you, i get very productive when that man of mine is out of town. today i finished my thesis, put together a decent amount of my portfolio, ran errands, ironed the dresses that have been hanging on my closet for weeks, made lunch and dinner, and cozied in for a movie with plenty of time to spare. the apartment is vacuumed and dusted, my car is clean, and i got a perfect 8 hours of sleep last night. i feel good. but i am also missing T very much. above all, he's my best friend, and i miss having someone to share accomplishments with, someone to snuggle up to, to talk with throughout the day, to make plans with. i'm savoring this weekend to check things off the list and catch up on life a little, but i can't wait for him to be home tomorrow evening. 

things have been really crazy lately. this morning, i finally woke up feeling more rested than i have in weeks - the fan was softly blowing, the sun was streaming in, my sheets were all comfy and tangled - and then the worries crept in. no, they didn't creep, they just appeared, suddenly and loudly. 

about a week ago, i learned that i need to move out and find a new place within the next 30 days. add that to the list of school work as i approach graduation, finals, commencement ceremonies, work, my mom visiting from out of town, and wedding planning, i almost had a panic attack when i heard the news. but i accepted it as graciously as calmly as i could and immediately surrendered it to God - a few times. by the time i had to talk to Travis about it, i was at peace, knowing God would provide. but then this morning, worries came out of no where.

what about a bed? does that mean you guys have to go bed shopping within the next month too? are you going to sleep in your big married bed before the wedding? before Travis moves in? so you might sleep on a floor for a while. and what about furniture? a table? pots and pans for the kitchen? silverware? dishes? you have nothing, deb. remember, you sold it all when you moved out of the apartment because you thought the next time you moved, the wedding wouldn't be far away. and if your move out date is at the end of may, but you only start renting on the first of june, what will you do? maybe you can stay an extra day or two. but the day after move-out day is your bridal shower. but that's good, right? hopefully you'll get a few things for the house. and what about money? you guys hardly have any right now, and life just feels like one expense after another at the moment. you won't have money to pay for an extra two month's rent, on top of furnishing the apartment, will you? maybe you could crash at a friend's, like you did last summer for a little while. but then you'd have to move, and then move again, within just a little over a month, and you're tired of moving. absolutely done with it. and what about a refrigerator? hopefully you find a place that already includes one, because that's another expense, and another big item to hunt down and purchase. 

all of that, within five minutes of waking up. and in between the questions and the doubts, i constantly tried to give to to Jesus. i desperately clung to the promise that He provide. and i believe He will, i just have no idea what provision will look like within the next month. but He is good, and He is faithful, and that is Truth. 

next weekend we start apartment hunting - pray we find something affordable, but cozy, in a good location, something that's available within the next month, and maybe a place with a refrigerator! ;] 

o n e f i v e s e v e n

"if i only had twenty-fours left, i would want to be right with God, and i would want to be perfectly honest and in tune with you."

one of the greatest things about love is the companionship it promises, not only in the good, but through the bad as well.

this past weekend, you were open and real and vulnerable with me in the most honest way. thank you for always desiring to be better for me, for us, and for our God. through your honesty and your struggle, i was the one who was challenged. challenged to always be honest with you, to check my heart, to hold you accountable, to speak truth into your life, to be your prayer warrior. i think you were afraid i might love you less, but you know what? i love you more. and you know what's even more amazing? that's the kind of love Jesus has for us. He has every reason to keep us distant, to punish us, to take His love away. yet, a broken heart and a contrite spirit are a sacrifice to Him; they please Him. and He always extends His grace when we least deserve it. we are drawn closer to Him when we are in the midst of struggle. isn't that incredible? it's overwhelming. 

thank you for inviting me to share life with you, every single piece of it. i am so grateful that we are a team, that we can lean on each other when one is weak, and that together, we draw each other closer to Jesus - the source of our strength, the one who transforms and sustains us. 

thank you for challenging me to evaluate my heart, to check where we're at spiritually. it's so easy to point the finger at everyone else around you, but like you said, change begins with one person. before we can blame anyone else, we have to examine ourselves. 

you're the best friend i've ever had, or ever will have. every day, my love for your grows, and i plan on keeping it that way for a long time, k? 

losing control

yesterday afternoon, a horrible and unexpected tragedy struck seal beach, ca, the next town down if you're driving along PCH. eight people were killed as a gunman opened fire on a small hair salon in a peaceful, quiet, tight knit community. the greatest tragedy of it all is how quickly it happened, and how mercilessly these innocent lives were taken.

this week has been what i would call a 'heavy' week, and yesterday's events only further confirmed that. ever since, i've had that gnawing feeling of uncertainty hanging around me; i guess you could say i feel 'on edge.' those feelings are not from God, but they are real. in light of everything though, there is one truth that's been resounding in my head - God is in control, & that knowledge is so very reassuring.

this past weekend, at women's retreat (pictures are coming, i promise!), a lovely lady from our church spoke about identity, and clinging to our identity in Christ when everything is stripped from us. four years ago, she unexpectedly lost her husband of 51 1/2 years, and her story was absolutely heartbreaking. yet, she reminded us all that though circumstances change, our God never, ever changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. what a wonderful hope that is, to know that even when our lives are spinning out of control, or this world is plummeting and we can't stop it, God still remains, His truths remain, and there is unwavering strength and hope in Him.

sometimes, i'm thankful for the bad, because it reminds me of how big, how awesome our God is. He sees it all, sees a bigger picture than our narrow 'here & now' perspective. He understands our sorrow, and yet He provides endless joy. He understands our weakness, and in it, gives us His strength.

our theme for the weekend was to "keep God first." being in His word and in constant prayer are the simplest (and sometimes the most difficult) ways of doing that. sometimes, it takes bad things in order to draw us closer to Him, but He promises that when trials come, He is there. when things are good, He is still there. He is always there - how awesome is that?! 
  
i couldn't imagine life not knowing such power and love. without it, there'd only be hopelessness.