it's been quite the year, people

i knew this day would come.

the day when i'd glance back at this year and just sigh with a 'wow'.

so far, in 2013 we: 

were engaged

completed another full semester of college

finished my thesis

completed an internship

both graduated with our bachelor's degrees

applied to the credential program

travelled to europe

attended several weddings

planned our own wedding

moved out

moved in to our new apartment

spent almost a month in china

vacationed in hawaii

spent several weekends/weeks up north

quit a job

changed jobs

GOT MARRIED

honeymooned

moved in together

and we have consumed probably 413 cups of coffee, shed many tears, laughed our hearts out, adventured together, and learned more about life, each other, and our Jesus than ever before.

and there are still four months left in 2013. it has been and will be without a doubt one of the most transformational, challenging, rewarding, and unforgettable years of our life.

this week has been the first week of our 'new routine' and we love it, absolutely love it. when we were engaged, people would often ask what we were most looking forward to about marriage (besides the obvious!) and we would always tell them that we were so excited to just do life together - to wake up next to each other every day and start the day as a team, to merge everything we had as individuals into our new together life, and to end every day side by side. and that has been, without a doubt, the best part. last night was the first time we were out with a group of people and then got to drive home together, without having to say goodnight - i was ridiculously excited about it. 

but a new routine also means lots of change - good change, but lots of it. it's things like figuring out a house-cleaning routine, tackling projects together, being together but not really being together, discussing everything with each other - plans, time, finances, purchases, our home - finding time to rest but still finding time to be intentional with each other and those around us. i know that it will take a while to settle in to everything, and there is no one i'd rather navigate this new chapter with. 

above all, God has been good, so good to us. He provides when we seem to have run out of resources, He unexpectedly showers us with blessings, He has surrounded us with a strong community, and He loves us. that in itself is all we could ever need. even if He took everything away, we would still have love - for each other, and for Him. 

so here we are, married, head over heels in love, and so ready to embrace the days, months, and years that still lie ahead of us.

and to all of you that have carried us up to this point, all of you who have filled us with encouragement, wisdom, guidance, and support, those of you who made our wedding day more magical than we could have ever hoped, and all of you who are behind us, praying for us, and believing in us - thank you. 

lifestyle // hannah

dear readers,

meet my very sweet friend hannah, or as i fondly call her, "hannah banana." never have you met two more opposite friends, and yet somehow, we click. she is an empowering feminist, i'm a conservative traditionalist - and yet, we both have a heart to see women be all that they can be, in the healthiest way possible. our personalities are all kinds of extremes, and yet there is such balance in our time together. 

 we met way back when in first grade, but i won't tell you the whole story because it really doesn't bring out my best self. needless to say, we were arch enemies all through elementary school (you know how dramatic little girls can be ;]), didn't see each other at all in junior high, and then reconnected in high school only to become the closest of friends. four years after graduation, and now we're headed into our last semester of college. ohmygosh the time just flies. through it all though, every single conversation i've had with this girl has brought me so much joy. she is thoughtful, so smart, funny, and i have seen her confidence soar in the last few years. from world traveler to bay area babe and NYC nut, this girl's heart is always at home with her friends. 

i'm about to cry. 

it is just so amazing how quickly time passes, how much we all change, and yet how constant things remain too - especially friendship. she is one of the closest and i am abundantly and overwhelmingly blessed by this lovely young woman.

hannah banana, you are going to do great things, i just know it. 

 happy, happy friday you guys!

the day my heart broke

i'm going to be real with you today.

love. hurts.

i don't mean hurt as in people in love hurting each other. not at all. i mean the kind of love where you want things so badly it hurts when they don't happen. wait, let me backtrack. all of this comes from a place long ago...

eight years ago, my dad passed away from colon cancer. i'll be honest with you and tell you that i don't remember many of the details surrounding the weeks and months after it happened. i remember the anguish and deep pain i felt on the day. i'll never, ever forget that. and i realize now how much that day changed me on the inside. i often tell people that i grew stronger and learned so much about God's faithfulness. all of that is true. but that day also broke my heart.

before that day, i was not a very sensitive or emotional person. i thought it was absolutely ridiculous when people cried during movies. i never cried about things like that. i didn't have a lot of compassion on those weaker than me. i wouldn't describe myself as sympathetic or empathetic. i was a bull-headed girl who breezed by others. i was bossy and critical (and i still am, a little bit).

at 12 years old, that day broke my heart, and it hasn't really been fixed since then. most people probably still describe me as strong, joyful, the 'have it all together' girl. that's the girl i try to be, because really, losing my dad did make me stronger, and it brought me a deep joy and reliance on the Lord that i would have never known before. but most people probably don't see the girl who tries to hold back her tears when she is overwhelmed or hurt. that's me too.

suddenly, i became the girl who cried in movies and shows. i cry when characters lose someone they love. i cry when i see people celebrating moments of sheer joy. my heart aches when i see people suffering, rejected, alone, or lost. i so desperately wish they could know the deep love of God, his healing, and his faithfulness. that alone is the only thing that makes me who i am today.

despite all the loss and the grief though, i'm still a girl who hopes and dreams with all her heart. this morning i realized that on that day, 8 years ago, i lost the person my little twelve year old self loved most. my dad was my hero, my comforter, and my protector. in the years following, i often resented God for taking away the strongest male influence in my life. my mom, my two sisters, and me, had no man to lean on anymore. but we slowly learned to lean on God, and we learned that we are strong ourselves.

then, a year ago, God gave me a new protector, a new comforter, and a new hero. the hole in my heart was suddenly filled. nothing could stop me from loving him with everything i had. he was, and still is, every answer to all of my prayers. and every day, i wish he and my dad could have met in this life.

but big love also means big hurt. as a little girl, my dad was the man i loved most. and when God took him, my heart hurt more than it ever had before. now, as a grown woman, T is the man i love most. but that also means that he's the one i miss the most, always, the one who has the potential to break my heart unlike anyone else, and the one i have the biggest hopes for. i think that's the risk in love. by giving all of your heart to someone, you're accepting the risk that they could hurt you more than any other human on the planet. but i can undoubtedly say that the risk is worth it.

a God-scripted story / part two: the beginning of forever

i shared part one of my story a few weeks ago, my journey from boy-crazy to contentedly single. the process i went through before i finally understood that God already had a man for me, and as long as i trusted Him first, my heart's desires would be filled...when? i wasn't sure yet, but i didn't mind waiting. i was looking forward to using my singleness for a divine purpose. and i knew that when, or even if, God placed my future person in my life, i'd know it without a doubt.

i was not at all ready for the story He had in mind.

just over a year ago, i moved back to Long Beach after spending christmas at home. i moved in with one of my best friends and spent january in what we all liked to call the 'josie house.' as the only house in the college group without parents, the josie house became a beloved hang out spot for most of my friends...but in the 3 weeks i was there, there was one friend who started spending a lot of time over there. i had known him for a little over a year...he was the funny goofball - that's how i had always known and considered him.

as we spent more time together though, i realized that he was more than just the 'funny guy.' he was thoughtful and kind. he loved the Lord with all his heart and sought to please Him in everything he did. he slowly became a great friend, and we spent many nights talking about God's will for our [individual, single] lives and things we hoped for in our future someones. without knowing it yet, God was already starting to weave our stories together...

there was a moment, one night, when i suddenly saw more in this guy. he took care of others, took care of me, and was thoughtful in everything he did. but still, he was just my friend...(right?)

almost exactly a year ago, a friend of mine confirmed what my heart already knew...something more was happening between this guy and me. i remember distinctly thinking, 'well, this isn't the worst news ever!' but still, my heart wasn't still. in knowing that there was something more, i was suddenly aware that our interaction could be hurtful to him, especially if i wasn't feeling the way he was. i knew he liked me, but i didn't know if i liked him. and i knew that if i continued acting the way i had been, i might lead him on...and the last thing i wanted to do was hurt him.

that weekend before the spring semester started was one of the most tumultous weekends of my life. emotionally, i was all over the place, and i spent hours seeking counsel in my mom, my best friend, and other friends of mine. all of them told me the same thing - talk to him.

talk to him?! the idea scared the heck out of me. i had to be honest, and honest might hurt him, and hurt our friendship as well, i thought. the thought of losing that scared me even more. i avoided the situation, i avoided him, and i did everything possible to weasel my way out of the conversation i knew had to take place. i lost.

and so just about a year ago, i experienced one of the most awkward, and best, lunches of my life. we met up at the student union, ate lunch, and then stalled and stalled, before i knew i didn't have a single minute left to waste. i would have to break the news.

'dear you,' the letter started. 'i know things have changed between us, and i just want you to know, i don't like you.'

well, that's not exactly how it went...it was much more loving than that, i promise. but i was terrified. terrified of losing one my newest and greatest friends, terrified that i'd forever bruise an incredible guy.

but despite all the fear and nervous-ness, i knew one thing for sure - he loved the Lord, and so did i, and if we were both seeking His will, then we were doing the right thing. God held our future, his and mine, in his hands, and if things were to become something between us, then God would guide us in that too.

and so we promised each other we'd pray, and patiently wait on God's timing...and a week later we went on our first date.

all that to say, communication is the most important thing i can think of between people, friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and crushes. it's uncomfortable and awkward, and yet it brings so much blessing. looking back on that lunch now, i can't help but smile. because it was on that day, that i realized what a great man this guy was...

he heard everything i had to say, looked up at me and said, 'i'll wait for you.'

girls, listen to me - find a man who doens't work on his own terms, but is wholeheartedly seeking God's plan. a man who will selflessly love you, even before he tells you so.

watch his character. become his friend. talk to him. and pray with him.

guys, when you start pursuing a girl, examine why you're pursuing her. is it because you want something out of it? or because you honestly believe she is God's will for your life. someone who will challenge you and someone you can grow with. someone worth waiting for.

that lunch, on an ordinary wednesday in the university student union, was the start of the best adventure of my life. it hasn't always been easy. but from that moment, it has always been worth it.

humbled and growing

for those of you who think i have it all together all the time, i'd like to tell you today that i don't.

this past week, maybe this past month, maybe the past six months, have been such a season of GROWTH, and i love it, but it. is. humbling.

yes, i juggle a lot of things, i'm involved in a lot of things, and i love everything i do, but there are days where i feel like i just can't do it all anymore, and in those moments, i cry out to God for His strength, because it is only by His strength that i can do anything.

maybe that's the overall lesson i've been learning - not by my own strength Lord, but by Yours. at the beginning of last semester, i went into superwoman mode, literally filled up every time slot in my planner, and tired to do everything. i had 2 jobs, started an internship, was on leadership in college group, took 5 upper-division courses, served with habitat over my spring break, and in all that, i entered my first relationship ever.   talk about a full plate. besides T, i simply didn't have time for people anymore, and many of my friends will tell you that i simply disappeared into an abyss of busy-ness. two months into the madness, i realized the error of my ways. we can't do everything, at least not very well. i ended last semester feeling like i had given only half of my self to everything. i gave all my energy to my new relationship, my spiritual life, and was then left with only a little piece of myself and my time for everything else. trust me, that's not the way to do it.

balance is key, and this summer, as my life slammed on the brakes and i had only one job and that was it, i had to seriously adjust to having time. i had to re-learn that it was ok to get 8 hours of sleep a night, watch TV every once in a while, and revel in quietness. i had to dig up the friendships i had neglected for the last 4 months and re-learn the value of community. i went into a coffee chat frenzy, and i love it. i craved a mentor, i felt purpose-less down here, and i was stuck in an unknown limbo. july was so hard. but by august, new responsibilities fell on my plate. i signed the lease on my first apartment, went into serious decorating/moving mode, spent 2 life-changing weeks in argentina, and went into the next school year with a completely different mindset - do less, but do it all well. the Lord provided an incredible community of girlfriends and mentors who i could glean wisdom from, and He taught me the importance of putting myself out there and risking myself in order to start new friendships. and every time, i've seen the fruit of that.

and that's what the last few months have continued to grow in me. to say no to working 24/7, to look at new opportunities, pray about them, and then decide whether they will hinder me from my already-made commitments, or whether it's something i can give everything too as well. and i've learned to do only what i love, and to look at the big picture. my spiritual life, investing in my relationship, and serving in the church are the. most. important callings i have. when i get to heaven, the A i got on my midterm, the amount on my paycheck, and how cute my clothes were are not going to matter. at all. not to say that we shouldn't be good stewards of what we've been given, but they are not priorities. if our spiritual life is growing, our relationships with people are thriving, and we living by God's direction, everything else will simply fall into place - right?

since january, my life has absolutely changed. it's not always been easy, but it has been so rewarding. i'm grateful to love a man who in the all the madness, never let me lose sight of God. i'm thankful that God loves me enough to humble me in order to show me a better way. i'm thankful for growth, because that's what this is all about. it's a process, a lifelong journey, and there's still so much to come...