our word for 2014: deep

in 2012, i began the year seeking contentment. it was a year where many of my friends were experiencing exciting life changes, and my year felt pretty predictable. until december 23rd that is - the day T asked me to be his wife. and that launched us into 2013, which we knew would be a whirlwind year. we knew it would be easy to get caught up in the wedding, in the changes, and so we chose simplify to be the word for 2013. though i definitely embraced simplicity during this past year, and have learned to filter my purchases and my decisions through the "need" filter rather than fulfilling my "wants," we're ending this year on what feels like the edge of a precipice. we're ready to jump and go deeper. 

if i'm being honest, these past few months, maybe this past year, has felt dry. in many ways, this has been the best year of our life - traveling, getting married, building a home together, drawing closer to each other. but in some ways, i've never felt lonelier. we're surrounded by people and our life feels endlessly busy, full of responsibilities and daily obligations. but there is no depth. it's as if we've hit a plateau, just going through the motions but maybe completely missing the point. the point, after all, is Jesus, and if i reflect back on this year, it kills me to say that this hasn't been a year of huge spiritual growth for me. there have moments where i've been challenged, things that have caught my heart, but then i just sank back into the same old routine. i am so desperate for a change, restless for growth. so, as we approach new year's eve, we're questioning - are we really where God wants us to be? are we investing in the things He truly cares about? are we serving in the right ways? are we led by the Spirit? 

or, are we striving in our flesh? driven by the "yes's" and "no's" of the people around us? doing what "seems" and "feels" right, rather than persistently seeking the will of God? and what even is His will? 

this year is going to require diligence and obedience (two things i'm not really an expert in, so let's go God). we're starting back at the basics - reading through the Gospels and studying Jesus' ministry and then asking ourselves: if we call ourselves disciples, does our life truly resemble Jesus? and we're praying hard, so hard, for a community that challenges us, speaks truth to us (even the not-so-pretty stuff), and sharpens us. whereas i was feeling lost and confused a few weeks ago, there's clarity now. we haven't figured everything out, but, as a team, we're headed in a good direction. and by december 31, 2014, i want to know God more deeply, know the Word more deeply, and know Jesus more deeply. and i'm so excited about it. 

happy new year, friends!

chick flicks and refrigerators

tonight i watched a chick flick for the first time in a long time, like a very long time. you just can't go wrong with Nicholas Sparks. T would have rolled his eyes the entire time while he begrudgingly watched with me - ha, no let's be real, a chick flick wouldn't have even been an option - but he's out of town this weekend, so i am seizing my girly opportunity. 

let me tell you, i get very productive when that man of mine is out of town. today i finished my thesis, put together a decent amount of my portfolio, ran errands, ironed the dresses that have been hanging on my closet for weeks, made lunch and dinner, and cozied in for a movie with plenty of time to spare. the apartment is vacuumed and dusted, my car is clean, and i got a perfect 8 hours of sleep last night. i feel good. but i am also missing T very much. above all, he's my best friend, and i miss having someone to share accomplishments with, someone to snuggle up to, to talk with throughout the day, to make plans with. i'm savoring this weekend to check things off the list and catch up on life a little, but i can't wait for him to be home tomorrow evening. 

things have been really crazy lately. this morning, i finally woke up feeling more rested than i have in weeks - the fan was softly blowing, the sun was streaming in, my sheets were all comfy and tangled - and then the worries crept in. no, they didn't creep, they just appeared, suddenly and loudly. 

about a week ago, i learned that i need to move out and find a new place within the next 30 days. add that to the list of school work as i approach graduation, finals, commencement ceremonies, work, my mom visiting from out of town, and wedding planning, i almost had a panic attack when i heard the news. but i accepted it as graciously as calmly as i could and immediately surrendered it to God - a few times. by the time i had to talk to Travis about it, i was at peace, knowing God would provide. but then this morning, worries came out of no where.

what about a bed? does that mean you guys have to go bed shopping within the next month too? are you going to sleep in your big married bed before the wedding? before Travis moves in? so you might sleep on a floor for a while. and what about furniture? a table? pots and pans for the kitchen? silverware? dishes? you have nothing, deb. remember, you sold it all when you moved out of the apartment because you thought the next time you moved, the wedding wouldn't be far away. and if your move out date is at the end of may, but you only start renting on the first of june, what will you do? maybe you can stay an extra day or two. but the day after move-out day is your bridal shower. but that's good, right? hopefully you'll get a few things for the house. and what about money? you guys hardly have any right now, and life just feels like one expense after another at the moment. you won't have money to pay for an extra two month's rent, on top of furnishing the apartment, will you? maybe you could crash at a friend's, like you did last summer for a little while. but then you'd have to move, and then move again, within just a little over a month, and you're tired of moving. absolutely done with it. and what about a refrigerator? hopefully you find a place that already includes one, because that's another expense, and another big item to hunt down and purchase. 

all of that, within five minutes of waking up. and in between the questions and the doubts, i constantly tried to give to to Jesus. i desperately clung to the promise that He provide. and i believe He will, i just have no idea what provision will look like within the next month. but He is good, and He is faithful, and that is Truth. 

next weekend we start apartment hunting - pray we find something affordable, but cozy, in a good location, something that's available within the next month, and maybe a place with a refrigerator! ;]