this semester, as part of my application to the teaching program at CSULB, i need to complete 45 hours of classroom observation. 45 hours is a-freaking-lot, but it has been so fun to be back in the classroom!
yesterday, i observed my first middle school history class - 6th and 7th graders. we played jeapordy and built bottle rockets (isn't history fun?!), and i almost passed out from their overwhelming energy, but it was fun. after 6 periods, as the final bell was about to ring and the students were packing their backpacks and milling about, i suddenly realized that when i was in 7th grade, anxiously anticipating spring break, my dad was living his last few days here.
it's been almost 9 years, to the exact day, and time has healed those wounds...most of the time. all the 'why' questions have faded away with the knowledge that God is our Father, our Provider, our Comforter, and our Lord. i used to fall asleep at night, worrying about my wedding day and what i'd do because my dad wouldn't be there to walk me down the while. actually, in the last few years, that has been the one trigger: weddings. i see daughters, beaming and glowing in their wedding gown, swaying back and forth in the arms of their dads. and i miss him. most of the time, i just sit there, next to the dance floor, squeeze Travis' hand, and choke back the tears. i want to embrace that precious bride and her father and tell them that they are so lucky to have each other, and i want to remind her of how blessed she is to have her dad with her, at that moment, how fortunate she is to have that memory to hold on to. and i pray she will always cherish it.
now, less than 5 months away from my own wedding, i know that there will be an inevitable hole in our wedding day. people might wonder where he is, where he went. he won't be there to walk me down the aisle. there will be no father-daughter dance. but there will be one big family dance, i'm sure, as we celebrate the man who brought us all here and shaped us into who we are. we will miss him, and there will be a little heartache, but most of all, we will celebrate him and celebrate the life that we are so lucky to live. and i will pray that we each continue to live it to the fullest.
i hope you had kleenex nearby...sorry, i should have warned you.
so there i was, looking at those young seventh graders and i thought about even just one of them losing a parent at this moment in their life. and my heart broke over the thought. and then i realized that i was that girl. surrounded by friends, busy with my fun 12-year-old life, unaware that everything would change in just a few short days. and somehow, i survived. i went to school the day after the funeral, even though a lot of those memories are fuzzy now. maybe i was in shock. but we moved along and we continued living, remembering my dad's last words which i penned in my yellow pleather journal just days later...that we shouldn't cry or be sad, but that we should know without a doubt, that we would all see each other again one day.
more than anything, the last 9 years have taught me how good our God is, how Jesus sustains us, how His love is all we need. and He truly makes all things work out for our good.
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
March 28, 2013
May 3, 2012
the day my heart broke
i'm going to be real with you today.
love. hurts.
i don't mean hurt as in people in love hurting each other. not at all. i mean the kind of love where you want things so badly it hurts when they don't happen. wait, let me backtrack. all of this comes from a place long ago...
eight years ago, my dad passed away from colon cancer. i'll be honest with you and tell you that i don't remember many of the details surrounding the weeks and months after it happened. i remember the anguish and deep pain i felt on the day. i'll never, ever forget that. and i realize now how much that day changed me on the inside. i often tell people that i grew stronger and learned so much about God's faithfulness. all of that is true. but that day also broke my heart.
before that day, i was not a very sensitive or emotional person. i thought it was absolutely ridiculous when people cried during movies. i never cried about things like that. i didn't have a lot of compassion on those weaker than me. i wouldn't describe myself as sympathetic or empathetic. i was a bull-headed girl who breezed by others. i was bossy and critical (and i still am, a little bit).
at 12 years old, that day broke my heart, and it hasn't really been fixed since then. most people probably still describe me as strong, joyful, the 'have it all together' girl. that's the girl i try to be, because really, losing my dad did make me stronger, and it brought me a deep joy and reliance on the Lord that i would have never known before. but most people probably don't see the girl who tries to hold back her tears when she is overwhelmed or hurt. that's me too.
suddenly, i became the girl who cried in movies and shows. i cry when characters lose someone they love. i cry when i see people celebrating moments of sheer joy. my heart aches when i see people suffering, rejected, alone, or lost. i so desperately wish they could know the deep love of God, his healing, and his faithfulness. that alone is the only thing that makes me who i am today.
despite all the loss and the grief though, i'm still a girl who hopes and dreams with all her heart. this morning i realized that on that day, 8 years ago, i lost the person my little twelve year old self loved most. my dad was my hero, my comforter, and my protector. in the years following, i often resented God for taking away the strongest male influence in my life. my mom, my two sisters, and me, had no man to lean on anymore. but we slowly learned to lean on God, and we learned that we are strong ourselves.
then, a year ago, God gave me a new protector, a new comforter, and a new hero. the hole in my heart was suddenly filled. nothing could stop me from loving him with everything i had. he was, and still is, every answer to all of my prayers. and every day, i wish he and my dad could have met in this life.
but big love also means big hurt. as a little girl, my dad was the man i loved most. and when God took him, my heart hurt more than it ever had before. now, as a grown woman, T is the man i love most. but that also means that he's the one i miss the most, always, the one who has the potential to break my heart unlike anyone else, and the one i have the biggest hopes for. i think that's the risk in love. by giving all of your heart to someone, you're accepting the risk that they could hurt you more than any other human on the planet. but i can undoubtedly say that the risk is worth it.
love. hurts.
i don't mean hurt as in people in love hurting each other. not at all. i mean the kind of love where you want things so badly it hurts when they don't happen. wait, let me backtrack. all of this comes from a place long ago...
eight years ago, my dad passed away from colon cancer. i'll be honest with you and tell you that i don't remember many of the details surrounding the weeks and months after it happened. i remember the anguish and deep pain i felt on the day. i'll never, ever forget that. and i realize now how much that day changed me on the inside. i often tell people that i grew stronger and learned so much about God's faithfulness. all of that is true. but that day also broke my heart.
before that day, i was not a very sensitive or emotional person. i thought it was absolutely ridiculous when people cried during movies. i never cried about things like that. i didn't have a lot of compassion on those weaker than me. i wouldn't describe myself as sympathetic or empathetic. i was a bull-headed girl who breezed by others. i was bossy and critical (and i still am, a little bit).
at 12 years old, that day broke my heart, and it hasn't really been fixed since then. most people probably still describe me as strong, joyful, the 'have it all together' girl. that's the girl i try to be, because really, losing my dad did make me stronger, and it brought me a deep joy and reliance on the Lord that i would have never known before. but most people probably don't see the girl who tries to hold back her tears when she is overwhelmed or hurt. that's me too.
suddenly, i became the girl who cried in movies and shows. i cry when characters lose someone they love. i cry when i see people celebrating moments of sheer joy. my heart aches when i see people suffering, rejected, alone, or lost. i so desperately wish they could know the deep love of God, his healing, and his faithfulness. that alone is the only thing that makes me who i am today.
despite all the loss and the grief though, i'm still a girl who hopes and dreams with all her heart. this morning i realized that on that day, 8 years ago, i lost the person my little twelve year old self loved most. my dad was my hero, my comforter, and my protector. in the years following, i often resented God for taking away the strongest male influence in my life. my mom, my two sisters, and me, had no man to lean on anymore. but we slowly learned to lean on God, and we learned that we are strong ourselves.
then, a year ago, God gave me a new protector, a new comforter, and a new hero. the hole in my heart was suddenly filled. nothing could stop me from loving him with everything i had. he was, and still is, every answer to all of my prayers. and every day, i wish he and my dad could have met in this life.
but big love also means big hurt. as a little girl, my dad was the man i loved most. and when God took him, my heart hurt more than it ever had before. now, as a grown woman, T is the man i love most. but that also means that he's the one i miss the most, always, the one who has the potential to break my heart unlike anyone else, and the one i have the biggest hopes for. i think that's the risk in love. by giving all of your heart to someone, you're accepting the risk that they could hurt you more than any other human on the planet. but i can undoubtedly say that the risk is worth it.
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