investing in the present

the past few days have been filled with challenge and growth. those close, and not so close, to me have been asking me hard questions, testing my heart, and pushing me on toward greater things. as the summer winds down and my sights turn toward the coming school year, my heart is preparing itself for what's still to come. this summer has been what i would call an 'adult summer.' it wasn't filled with days at the beach, afternoons tanning, fun nights out with friends, movie nights, trips to yogurtland, or whimsical nothing. it was not what you'd picture your typical college summer to be. this past summer was my last 'school summer,' as i prepare for my senior year of college. and though those things seem ideal and fun, they are not what God had in mind for me this year, and i'm so glad He presented me with new opportunities.

this summer grew me as a leader, as a teammate, as a girlfriend, as a daughter, a sister, and a friend, but most importantly, as a child of God. for every moment of it, i'm thankful.

this coming year, many things will be changing. it's so easy for me to get caught up in what's up ahead. i love planning, dreaming, and preparing myself for this to come, but often, i get so caught up in what's next that i completely miss what's now. i need to constantly remind myself that God still has me here, right now, for a very specific and important reason. to brush over the next few weeks and months would be to miss out on things God has planned for me - lessons to learn, adventures to go on, memories to make. the other night, T and i had a conversation about what this next year holds for us and what our goals are. after drawing stick figures and arrows all over his whiteboard, i summed i up with one phrase: "prepare for the future, invest in the present."

God's call to love others and love Him should be the highest priority in our lives. it's a command that often disappears as i place other things in its place. over the last few days, i've re-learned the importance of knowing God and loving others. there is no better place to be.

though God is opening new doors and walking me into new opportunities, i do not want to miss out on what he has for me today, this hour, this minute.

to the people God has surrounded me with, those who challenge me, those who refresh me, and those who i tend to just ignore - am i encouraging them? am i inspiring them? do they see Christ in me? or do they feel forgotten and brushed over as i charge into the next thing?

as God brings new opportunities into my life - am i proud of those? do i place myself above others because i'm doing new things? or do i see them as areas to grow? do i seek circumstances that will humble me and teach me, or do i stay in my safe-zone?

do you ever notice the difference between days where you walk with God, and days where you try to walk alone? unfortunately, my instinct is often just to try it alone, and after a few days of struggling and feeling drained and tired, i crawl back to God. the days that start with Him, that include Him, are days where the ordinary things seem magical. He has life-changing and day-changing power. and His heart is to involved in our life. i recently read a quote though that perfectly sums up our relationship with the Lord: "God is the perfect gentleman. He will never force His will on anyone." God's will is to know us intimately and for us to know Him fully. but if that isn't our desire, He will step back and He will wait - faithfully and patiently. only when we draw near to Him, when we seek His face, will He then show Himself more fully. He never withholds Himself from us, but He will withdraw from us if we reject Him. my desire is to see God clearly, to know Him fully, and to walk with Him intimately. there are days where that desire is not evidenced, and i regret those days.

may i walk more closely with my Father, Counselor, peace-giver, and best friend, each and every day.

figuring it out

ever since creating my FB photography page, my brain has been racing. i totally get ahead of myself. ask T. the poor guy. when a thought, or a dream, or a plan enters my mind, it's all i can think about. i think about tomorrow, the next week, the whole year, and the rest of my life. all within five little minutes. it's a little bit ridiculous. my photography brainwave has definitely been on overdrive. but this weekend has brought a lot of clarification.

people have been asking for photo sessions lately, and it's been so humbling. i did not see that coming. and every time i think about it, i get all nervous and unsure. capturing photos of someone is a little bit high pressure. you want to meet their expectations and make the time and the result worth their money. it all rests on you (at least, that's how it feels). but, i've also had to remind myself that i'm only at the beginning. and people know that. and for those who have given me a chance, i so greatly appreciate it. 

for the past two days, i've been tuning into an online photography workshop. it's been extremely helpful, but also very clarifying. i've learned a lot and jotted down notes, but have also come to certain conclusions about where i want my photography to go.

when i pick up my camera, i don't want to look through the lens and see dollar signs or recognition. i want to see people's lives, their emotions, and the special moments they want to remember.

i don't want photography to become another avenue to compare myself to others. i want to find my style and my look and stick with it. there are thousands of photographers out there. conforming would be easy. and the competition is ripe. but i don't want it to be about a competition. i've realized that i'm not in this to be big-time. i'm in it to serve people. 

i also don't want photography to become a way to lift myself up. i've (re)learned a lot about humility. whatever talent or skill i have is not all mine. whatever opportunities i receive are not entirely deserved.

i don't want photography to be all-consuming either. it totally has the potential to be (remember how my brain works?). it takes a lot of time and energy. but i want it simply to be an outlet to love others and live life. i don't want to fix my life around my photography. God's will and the people love are the most important. 

i'm still so excited. but also still feeling so unprepared. the research and the learning has been fun, but it's also been overwhelming. as T cheesily said a few weeks ago in the middle of my overwhelmed crumbling, "how do you eat an elephant? one bite a time." not that we would ever eat elephants. seriously. 

learning to say 'NO'

this morning was a huge stepping stone in learning to say NO to things.

NO to overextending myself.
NO to using busy-ness as an excuse.
NO to forsaking friendships and falling out of touch because i don't have time.
NO to booking every hour and minute of my week, my month, my semester.
NO to security...& YES to trusting God's provision.

i spent most of last night going through my schedule for the next semester, and quickly went into panic mode. assuming that i would become a manager at work, i created a hypothetical schedule accordingly...and i freaked out.

hypothetically, i'd have to be up and at work by 5:30 two mornings of the week. i'd be taking 17 units - 17 very difficult upper-division units. i'd have absolutely no free time between the hours of 9AM and 5PM to run errands, go grocery shopping, do my laundry, run to the post office or the bank, or clean my apartment. sleep would be limited, quality time with travis and friends drastically reduced, and quiet time to rest almost non-existent.

i lived that life a year ago, and i learned my lesson. REST is so important. time to be still and be refreshed. time to engage in conversation with good friends. time to build into my relationship. time to talk on the phone with my family or skype with my sister. time to support my best friend as she heads into marriage. those things are important to me. much more important than a bigger paycheck.

so, as i walked into my interview this morning, covered in prayer and confident in God's plan, i simply said 'no.'

no, i can't take the manager position.
no, i can't work 30+ hours a week and go to school full-time.
no, i will not let work consume my life and take energy away from my other commitments.
no, i will not do my work halfheartedly for lack of energy and strength.

and you know what? i'm totally fine with it. i have no idea what tomorrow will look like, next week, much less this semester yet, but i'm not panicking.

God honors our willingness to put Him first, whether that's through our service to Him, commitments we've made, or our relationships. i'm simply trusting that He'll hold up His end and provide in every circumstance.

'trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in ALL yours ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.'

humbled and growing

for those of you who think i have it all together all the time, i'd like to tell you today that i don't.

this past week, maybe this past month, maybe the past six months, have been such a season of GROWTH, and i love it, but it. is. humbling.

yes, i juggle a lot of things, i'm involved in a lot of things, and i love everything i do, but there are days where i feel like i just can't do it all anymore, and in those moments, i cry out to God for His strength, because it is only by His strength that i can do anything.

maybe that's the overall lesson i've been learning - not by my own strength Lord, but by Yours. at the beginning of last semester, i went into superwoman mode, literally filled up every time slot in my planner, and tired to do everything. i had 2 jobs, started an internship, was on leadership in college group, took 5 upper-division courses, served with habitat over my spring break, and in all that, i entered my first relationship ever.   talk about a full plate. besides T, i simply didn't have time for people anymore, and many of my friends will tell you that i simply disappeared into an abyss of busy-ness. two months into the madness, i realized the error of my ways. we can't do everything, at least not very well. i ended last semester feeling like i had given only half of my self to everything. i gave all my energy to my new relationship, my spiritual life, and was then left with only a little piece of myself and my time for everything else. trust me, that's not the way to do it.

balance is key, and this summer, as my life slammed on the brakes and i had only one job and that was it, i had to seriously adjust to having time. i had to re-learn that it was ok to get 8 hours of sleep a night, watch TV every once in a while, and revel in quietness. i had to dig up the friendships i had neglected for the last 4 months and re-learn the value of community. i went into a coffee chat frenzy, and i love it. i craved a mentor, i felt purpose-less down here, and i was stuck in an unknown limbo. july was so hard. but by august, new responsibilities fell on my plate. i signed the lease on my first apartment, went into serious decorating/moving mode, spent 2 life-changing weeks in argentina, and went into the next school year with a completely different mindset - do less, but do it all well. the Lord provided an incredible community of girlfriends and mentors who i could glean wisdom from, and He taught me the importance of putting myself out there and risking myself in order to start new friendships. and every time, i've seen the fruit of that.

and that's what the last few months have continued to grow in me. to say no to working 24/7, to look at new opportunities, pray about them, and then decide whether they will hinder me from my already-made commitments, or whether it's something i can give everything too as well. and i've learned to do only what i love, and to look at the big picture. my spiritual life, investing in my relationship, and serving in the church are the. most. important callings i have. when i get to heaven, the A i got on my midterm, the amount on my paycheck, and how cute my clothes were are not going to matter. at all. not to say that we shouldn't be good stewards of what we've been given, but they are not priorities. if our spiritual life is growing, our relationships with people are thriving, and we living by God's direction, everything else will simply fall into place - right?

since january, my life has absolutely changed. it's not always been easy, but it has been so rewarding. i'm grateful to love a man who in the all the madness, never let me lose sight of God. i'm thankful that God loves me enough to humble me in order to show me a better way. i'm thankful for growth, because that's what this is all about. it's a process, a lifelong journey, and there's still so much to come...