i've started about 2 other posts in the last 24 hours, and just can't seem to focus on where my head is at. but on this cloudy summer morning, as i fill out apartment applications, get ready for some girl time, and my mind slowly wakes up, i finally think i have my head figured out a little.
if there's one thing i really want to challenge myself with better, it's loving on others. in the last few months, i've been challenged by God love - what it is to love Him purely and wholeheartedly. i've had to rethink friend love - what it is to be intentional with people, for their sakes, not only for mine. and i've said hello to boy love - a love different from any others, and yet, one that constantly holds me accountable in so many ways. this past week, T challenged us in church to eliminate distractions from our lives in order to more earnestly focus on God as we head into the summer. i think my biggest distraction is me. what can i out of this relationship? what has so and so done for me lately? what do i need to do today? with all this time, how will i spend my day? my heart couldn't be in a more wrong place.
often, i find myself keeping 'points' with people. it looks a little like this:
'today i did so & so for someone, and then i did this for them. yesterday, they did this for me, but today, i've done more for them. so tomorrow, i'll wait for them to do something in return, and then we'll be even again.'
it's terrible, i know. but don't we all do that a little? we make love and relationships, even our God relationship, about us. instead, every morning we should wake up asking ourselves, 'what can i do for my best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/family/husband/wife today?' if we all had that mindset, what a beautiful life this would be.
real talk: love is hard, because true love is never about self. Christ proved to us that love always considers others and denies self. we're called to selfless love time & time again, and yet, it is so. easy. to let self dictate our actions, our words, and our thoughts. i do it all the time.
you know how whenever you pray for something (i.e. humility, patience, etc), God then oh so conveniently gives you opportunities to practice those characteristics? God, lately, has given me plenty of opportunity to practice selfless love, and it hasn't always been easy. sometimes i'm tired, sometimes i feel burnt out. sometimes i feel used, abused, and under-appreciated. maybe you do to. but, look at Jesus, the most powerful testament of selfless love:
He left His Father's throne and came to Earth and 'made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant.' your King of Kings & Lord of Lords, whose life was endangered from the moment He was born, then lived a life of radical ministry, only for it to end in the most awful death. His life was perfect, He was, and always will be, flawless. and then, He suffered a punishment so cruel and torturous, we can't even fathom it. He laid Himself upon that cross for us, because of our sins, our selfishness, our flawed humanity. His love manifested itself in truly humble obedience, receiving nothing in return, except for His eternal reward. His sacrifice paid for the sins of all time, and yet, God never forces us to surrender to Him. He gave up His only Son, He turned his face from the One He loved most - all. for. us. and still, over and over again, we turn our back on Him.
we may be good people, we may be Sunday Christians, but our faith calls us to so much more than a 'good life.' we are called to be radical in our lives, in our love. He never, ever, promised it would be easy or comfortable. if we removed the Christian label from our lives, would it really look much different? where is our need for God? do we see challenges as areas of potential growth? or do we only see darkness and say, 'it's just too hard'? do we see uncomfortable situations or difficult circumstances as another reason to further cling to God? or we do avoid discomfort and instead stay where it's easy & safe? how are we reflecting Christ in our lives?
these words are as much a challenge to me as they may be for you. if you've perfected love, please, teach me how, because i fail at it time and time again. i hurt people, sometimes unintentionally. i let self get in the way and ignore the little voice in my head calling me to obedience. i'm a mess up, but, in all honesty, i'm thankful for the mistakes. they remind me that i cannot do this on my own. that perfection is something we are called to pursue, but i am beyond imperfect. it's one more reason that i need grace, patience, and unconditional love. one more reason i'm reminded of my need for Christ. one more reason i'm floored by His selfless love.
June 11, 2011
June 7, 2011
boredom is not an option
i just napped for almost 2 hours...& i feel extremely guilty about it. is it ok to just throw on some sweatpants after a busy morning, grab a good book, and then read until your eyes just can't stay open anymore? i'm so UN-used to this, that the whole concept of it is extremely strange, and to spend an afternoon lounging and reading makes me seem lazy in comparison to others who may be at work, or getting ready for work. the idea of an entire free day absolutely panics me. why? i'm not sure. but it does.
all last semester, the idea of just one free day, or one morning to sleep in, sounded like heaven. amidst the papers, the late nights, the tests, 2 jobs, and a million responsibilities, i literally thought i might drown in the busy-ness before i made it to summer break. if i did make it though, i promised myself i'd indulge in the free time, relax, rest, and recuperate. yet, there is such a fine line between resting and just being idle, and i pray i'm not the latter. this past week is restarted a crazy obsession with my planner, to fill it up with appts and to-dos and coffee dates, and even with all the planning, i've still found time for me, for quiet, and for those who matter most to me. this is the life.
best of all, i've realized that the less i've had to think of the things i've had to do, the more time i've had to think of others, and i catch myself going through the day thinking about someone i spoke to 3 days ago and actually praying for people like i said i would. less me in my head has created room for more others in my prayers, and i have loved it.
constant busy-ness is not good. i know that. i've done that. i've been told that. i have seen the fruit, or lack thereof, of a slammed schedule. it creates selfishness, hinders you from taking time for others, and exhausts you in the most unhealthy way. time is such a blessing, but it also a test. how do i spend my extra time - on me, or on others? with God, or with the world? i told T the other day that the idea of free time scares me, and he laughed and looked at me like i was crazy. maybe i am. but then he said, 'have you talked to God about what you can do with it?' 'good idea,' was my only response.
for all my hopes of catching up on TV and indulging in shallow pleasures this summer, the idea actually sounds awful to me. after being forced to leave the media behind for a semester, i have absolutely no desire for it. i cannot tell you who's dating who, what the next blockbuster hit will be, or what the gLee finale looked like, and to be honest with you, i just don't care. i have so many things still to do, but summer break now gives me the time to do them and the freedom to choose how i'd like to spend my time. suddenly, i can say yes to plans, seek people out, be intentional, and step right back into the social life i had to cut out last semester. i just pray i balance everything and everyone and, above all, honor God in my time.
strangely, i don't feel so guilty about my nap anymore.
all last semester, the idea of just one free day, or one morning to sleep in, sounded like heaven. amidst the papers, the late nights, the tests, 2 jobs, and a million responsibilities, i literally thought i might drown in the busy-ness before i made it to summer break. if i did make it though, i promised myself i'd indulge in the free time, relax, rest, and recuperate. yet, there is such a fine line between resting and just being idle, and i pray i'm not the latter. this past week is restarted a crazy obsession with my planner, to fill it up with appts and to-dos and coffee dates, and even with all the planning, i've still found time for me, for quiet, and for those who matter most to me. this is the life.
best of all, i've realized that the less i've had to think of the things i've had to do, the more time i've had to think of others, and i catch myself going through the day thinking about someone i spoke to 3 days ago and actually praying for people like i said i would. less me in my head has created room for more others in my prayers, and i have loved it.
constant busy-ness is not good. i know that. i've done that. i've been told that. i have seen the fruit, or lack thereof, of a slammed schedule. it creates selfishness, hinders you from taking time for others, and exhausts you in the most unhealthy way. time is such a blessing, but it also a test. how do i spend my extra time - on me, or on others? with God, or with the world? i told T the other day that the idea of free time scares me, and he laughed and looked at me like i was crazy. maybe i am. but then he said, 'have you talked to God about what you can do with it?' 'good idea,' was my only response.
for all my hopes of catching up on TV and indulging in shallow pleasures this summer, the idea actually sounds awful to me. after being forced to leave the media behind for a semester, i have absolutely no desire for it. i cannot tell you who's dating who, what the next blockbuster hit will be, or what the gLee finale looked like, and to be honest with you, i just don't care. i have so many things still to do, but summer break now gives me the time to do them and the freedom to choose how i'd like to spend my time. suddenly, i can say yes to plans, seek people out, be intentional, and step right back into the social life i had to cut out last semester. i just pray i balance everything and everyone and, above all, honor God in my time.
strangely, i don't feel so guilty about my nap anymore.
June 6, 2011
pursuing proverbs 31
everyday i come across women i've never met before. women with beautiful smiles, an easy laugh, and touching stories. women who, within the space of a brief conversation, inspire me. and as i admire them, i wonder if i ever inspire others. as i was pondering this, however, and along with a lot of recent soul searching, i've realized that the motive behind this question needs to be re-evaluated. tonight, it doesn't come out of a proud and people-pleasing heart, but out of a heart that humbly wonders if i carry myself in a manner worthy of being inspiring.
am i truly, in every aspect of my life, worthy of admiration and respect. as the second oldest of 5, i automatically assume the role of the older sister, but can, and will, my two younger sisters and my little brother, see me as a role model worthy of example? undeniably, in the same way that i look up to others, others look up to me. the question is, however, whether i take that responsibility seriously, and whether i choose to live and shape my life into a strong example.
this morning, before church, i was flipping through proverbs and landed upon chapter 31, the description of a noble wife. admist all the refining, and in the confusion of who God is shaping me to be, i know that i am first and foremost His child and a woman of God, or at least i hope to be. proverbs 31 offers the most clear example of that woman, and as i was reading through the verses, i couldn't help but compare myself to this superwoman. i realized that i, without fail, often fall short.
God's ideal woman is, of course, perfect, because He is. i know i'm not perfect, i know i never can be, but the constant pursuit of righteousness, holiness, and perfection, is one we are called to, regardless of how impossible it may seem. personally, i think that God leaves perfection just out of our reach, so that we recognize our insatiable need for Him. we can never, we will never, be perfect. only He is. that is why we need Him. aside from that, however, God's ideal lady is remarkable in so many ways.
she is a perfect balance between independence and service to her family. she gives her best to all she does, is diligent in all her tasks, and the word 'lazy' is not in her dictionary. she lives to serve her family, respects herself, takes care of herself, and shows benevolence toward the unloved. above all, she fears the Lord. i know that this passage is specifically talking about the perfect wife, but for the majority of girls i've talked to, becoming a wife is the dream, and just because we aren't married yet, doesn't mean we can't already cultivate those characteristics - because a godly woman is a godly wife.
this past week or so has been one of those wrestling with God and walking through the refining fire kind of weeks, and it's not easy, but it's rewarding. if things were always perfect, if i felt i had conquered all my issues, and was always able to encourage others, i wouldn't need God. i think as soon as he recognizes pride and self-satisfaction, He withdraws, because as the cliche goes, 'you don't know what you have til it's gone.' as soon as God retreats, we recognize our inadequacy and seek to once again fill His void in our hearts. this is a period of seeking, searching, and pursuing after Him. as i do, he slowly reveals to me the sin in my heart and the things i must rid myself of in order to better reflect his son. ultimately, the goal is to see Him in all that we do. there are seasons where we feel like we're walking hand in hand with God, we see his fingerprints everywhere, we talk with Him and sense him in everything we do. those seasons are wonderful, but the seasons where God is distant? those happen too, and in those, we must persevere because this life, this journey, is not about us and our comfort. it's about glorifying and loving Him in all we do.
all this to say that many of you reading this, inspire me, challenge me, and constantly push me to better seek God. i am so thankful for your influence, and i apologize if my self has ever gotten in the way of loving you genuinely and selflessly. i told T a while ago that i was craving inspiration, that i missed being inspired, by whoever and whatever. his simple answer was, 'God can inspire you.' i didn't believe it at the time. i looked to other outlets, other people, to myself, and in all that worthless looking, God gently nudged Himself in there. i am still wrestling, still learning, still growing, and i hope i always will be. and i hope that at the end of this season, i learn what it is to truly be inspired by God, and what it is to be a godly inspiration and a godly friend, sister, girlfriend, and woman.
am i truly, in every aspect of my life, worthy of admiration and respect. as the second oldest of 5, i automatically assume the role of the older sister, but can, and will, my two younger sisters and my little brother, see me as a role model worthy of example? undeniably, in the same way that i look up to others, others look up to me. the question is, however, whether i take that responsibility seriously, and whether i choose to live and shape my life into a strong example.
this morning, before church, i was flipping through proverbs and landed upon chapter 31, the description of a noble wife. admist all the refining, and in the confusion of who God is shaping me to be, i know that i am first and foremost His child and a woman of God, or at least i hope to be. proverbs 31 offers the most clear example of that woman, and as i was reading through the verses, i couldn't help but compare myself to this superwoman. i realized that i, without fail, often fall short.
God's ideal woman is, of course, perfect, because He is. i know i'm not perfect, i know i never can be, but the constant pursuit of righteousness, holiness, and perfection, is one we are called to, regardless of how impossible it may seem. personally, i think that God leaves perfection just out of our reach, so that we recognize our insatiable need for Him. we can never, we will never, be perfect. only He is. that is why we need Him. aside from that, however, God's ideal lady is remarkable in so many ways.
she is a perfect balance between independence and service to her family. she gives her best to all she does, is diligent in all her tasks, and the word 'lazy' is not in her dictionary. she lives to serve her family, respects herself, takes care of herself, and shows benevolence toward the unloved. above all, she fears the Lord. i know that this passage is specifically talking about the perfect wife, but for the majority of girls i've talked to, becoming a wife is the dream, and just because we aren't married yet, doesn't mean we can't already cultivate those characteristics - because a godly woman is a godly wife.
this past week or so has been one of those wrestling with God and walking through the refining fire kind of weeks, and it's not easy, but it's rewarding. if things were always perfect, if i felt i had conquered all my issues, and was always able to encourage others, i wouldn't need God. i think as soon as he recognizes pride and self-satisfaction, He withdraws, because as the cliche goes, 'you don't know what you have til it's gone.' as soon as God retreats, we recognize our inadequacy and seek to once again fill His void in our hearts. this is a period of seeking, searching, and pursuing after Him. as i do, he slowly reveals to me the sin in my heart and the things i must rid myself of in order to better reflect his son. ultimately, the goal is to see Him in all that we do. there are seasons where we feel like we're walking hand in hand with God, we see his fingerprints everywhere, we talk with Him and sense him in everything we do. those seasons are wonderful, but the seasons where God is distant? those happen too, and in those, we must persevere because this life, this journey, is not about us and our comfort. it's about glorifying and loving Him in all we do.
all this to say that many of you reading this, inspire me, challenge me, and constantly push me to better seek God. i am so thankful for your influence, and i apologize if my self has ever gotten in the way of loving you genuinely and selflessly. i told T a while ago that i was craving inspiration, that i missed being inspired, by whoever and whatever. his simple answer was, 'God can inspire you.' i didn't believe it at the time. i looked to other outlets, other people, to myself, and in all that worthless looking, God gently nudged Himself in there. i am still wrestling, still learning, still growing, and i hope i always will be. and i hope that at the end of this season, i learn what it is to truly be inspired by God, and what it is to be a godly inspiration and a godly friend, sister, girlfriend, and woman.
May 31, 2011
halfway there!
this morning calls for an update to the 'two-oh-one-one' bucket list, since i mean, we're practically already halfway! can you believe it was only six months that we were saying good-bye to 2010 and hello to a new year? so much has already changed - if the next 6 months are as thrilling as the past six, then i cannot even begin to imagine what they'll hold!
- do not get a parking ticket - fail! darn street sweeping...but i made it this far!
- yell at drivers less...cultivate patience.
- laugh more, worry less.
- sleep more. - also a major fail...has anyone told you that boys make you lose sleep? it's true ;]
- go to bed at a reasonable hour. - [see above]
- don't waste a precious minute.
- cultivate reliability: text people back. respond to messages. keep in touch. - that is still a work in progress. according to my loved ones, i am the worst texter on the planet. at least they know it now.
- confront issues. - ask, and you shall receive right? this semester has given me multiple opportunities to challenge myself in confrontation, and i am so thankful for the lesson!
- vote as often as possible, and politically educate myself. - mail in ballots suck, because you have to mail them in before election day, and if we didn't know this already, i'm a procrastinator. it never works out. i do fill the ballot out though! does that count?
- stay up to date with the news: podcast.
- learn to lead worship playing either guitar or piano.
- study for tests, keep up on class readings. - the studying? maybe. the reading? impossible. spring 2011, i'm so glad you're done.
- use the shuttle less. bike/walk to class more often. - it's way more fun that way!
- ride the bus to work. - success!
- ride my bike to run local errands.
- blog more. - success!
- take a photography class.
- spend time outside every day. - how can you not???
- read (at least) a chapter of the Bible every day. - i'll confess, i am not as diligent in my reading as i was 6 months ago...summer is a chance to regain that, and i hope i will.
- wake up, & talk with God.
- go to bed, talking with God.
- go on a road trip. - multiple trips! with best friends, the boyfriend...it's been such a blast!
- be spontaneous. - dating the most unplanned and spontaneous man on the planet has definitely helped, and has been a fun adventure in itself!
- balance friendships & to-do lists. - yes, yes, & yes. if spring 2011 taught me anything, it's that people require time, and sometimes, busy-ness is just not important.
- listen more, talk less.
- pray more, gripe less.
- impress others less. impress God instead.
- save & tithe consistently. - this is a wonderful new habit! devoted to making it stick...
- buy only what you love. - have i mentioned that i officially hate the mall and shopping sprees? buy only what you need is also a good motto to go by!
- eat out less, be health/money-conscious about meals. - fail. thanks starbucks.
- don't eat after 7:30pm (except Yogurtland, of course). - if you stay up til 1am every night, 7:30 is awfully early right? needless to say...fail.
- drink more tea, less coffee. - how about drink more tea AND more coffee? i'd call that a definite win.
- cherish friends, family, & love. always.
- visit Les in Hawaii. - unfortunately, that didn't happen this year, but hawaii will always be with her, and new things are coming our way!
- continue to trust in God's plan, & live life for its eternal purpose.
- study abroad. - plans change you know? and i'm ok with that, because life is absolutely wonderful right now.
- do not talk behind people's backs, even if others are doing it.
- do something different.
- listen to Jesus music more, & pointless music less. - a simple way to purify our hearts more each day...
- write a song.
- don't forget anyone's birthday...in fact, send them a card.
- reclaim straight A's. - nope...maybe next time!
- give gifts randomly.
- pray, & then be impulsive.
- say what you mean, always mean what you say.
- live a healthy lifestyle: balanced meals, regular exercise, fresh air.
- finish the lit girl thread collaboration.
- memorize a scripture per week. - a bucket list is certainly good accountability...
- take a picture every day of something that made me smile. - sometimes the things that make me smile just can't be captured in a photo :]
- read more, watch less TV. - watch less TV and read less? success. good-bye free time.
- minimize facebook time...(give it up for a month?) - it's debatable.
- go to a concert.
- when i say "i'll pray for you," PRAY.
- finish the Old Testament.
- visit Balboa Park.
- keep up on class readings.
- write letters to dear friends. - letters have definitely been the theme, just not to the people/person i was planning on writing letters to :]
- don't overdraw my checking account. - success, so far.
- save up for an SRL camera.
- when studying abroad: [visit Greece, the UK, Sicily, Verona, Prague, & the Croatian coast.] [attend church in Rome.] [take the train on an adventure.] [play guitar & sing in the piazza.] [throw a coin in the Trevi fountain.] [take a "leaning" tower of Pisa picture.] - no longer happening, but one day...
- develop honesty.
- say "i love you" more often.
for those things left unmarked, there are still 6 months left in this year, and i hope that the things i've taking from these past few months will carry on not only into the next few, but beyond 2011 and into the future. those things are also often subjective, and so i don't think i've learned enough to evaluate myself on that level. maybe others see changes that i haven't yet. at the same time, the girl i was in january had no idea of the things this semester would hold, and so, i believe i've learned lessons or experienced life in ways i never would have imagined for myself, and life, in itself, is the greatest adventure and the most rewarding gift.
May 29, 2011
plastic boxes from the past
today, my mom asked me to go through all the boxes i have stored downstairs in order to move them into the garage as we prepare for the mass of guests soon arriving for simon's wedding. a little part of me looked forward to the task, because if you don't know this about me yet, you should know that i love reminiscing on the past. i'm not a pack-rat, but i cherish pictures, letters, notes, and momentos of the past. i have a box full of club t-shirts, dance recital shirts, class shirts, and my old dance warm-ups. another box holds the dozens of dance costumes i went through...small memories i just can't bear to part with. but going through those boxes is reminiscent of a family member going through their beloved's belongings after they've passed, because that girl who packed up her room 2 years ago and headed off to college is long gone. she hasn't disappeared, but she has evolved and transformed as the past 2 years have shaped her into who she is now.
i am no longer the girl who ransacked the thrift store bookshelves for dime cent (christian) romance novels, poring over the paperback in one night, and then falling asleep praying and wishing for my one day prince charming who would swoon me with his lopsided grin, sparkling eyes, and manly devotion to God.
i am no longer the girl who won 8 awards at her 8th grade award assembly, no longer the girl who conducted her 8th grade symphonic band for their last song with my sparkly blue baton (which, i still have of course).
during my sophomore year of high school, i volunteered at the local hospital, and as part of the deal, had to buy a pair of scrubs. i still have them, because i mean, who else has scrubs? and maybe, one day, they'll come in handy for something. or maybe they'll simply serve as a reminder of that time when i dreamed of being a nurse and saving lives (until i realized i couldn't spend every day wearing sneakers and working in a fluorescently lit white-walled building).
there was that one time i wore a pepto bismal pink swing dress for sadies, my first formal floor length gown for freshman homecoming. my first, and only, corsage. the beige beret i bought in montmartre during a weekend excursion to paris. the picture frames i used to have scattered around my room, of my best friends, of adventures, of family. there's the first piano recital ribbon i received, and my old sunday dresses from my six-year-old days. i still have my first kilt, a small reminder of my scottish childhood. there are boxes of postcards, birthday cards, and letters. high-school crush love notes to remind me of my insecure and girlish self who eventually learned that boys aren't the end all and be all of everything. i have piles of programs from graduations, band concerts, choir performances, dance recitals, and piano recitals (i was an artsy kid - can you tell?) i have my old awana awards and my basketball trophies. and in every pink or purple storage box, another reminder of the past is treasured.
i thought that i could thin out a few more of my belongings, but i simply can't toss my 5th grade state project into the trash, because, hello, idaho & potatoes practically consumed the last trimester of my elementary school career.
in all honesty though, it's not the material things that mean so much; it's the nostalgia that goes with them, the simple reminders of the past. i am who i am today as a result of the girl i was, a month ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, a decade ago...she hasn't disappeared. she's simply melted into the layers of growth, maturity, and experience those years have created. in 10 years, i'll look back at my college years, remember roommates and lukewarm showers, redundant cafeteria food and beater cars. i'll remember what it was to figure out my future, only to then realize that i'm now living that future, and probably still trying to figure out the next 10 years. i'll remember my best friends and how much they changed my life and bettered me. i'll remember the boy who pursued me and romanced me and who i fell in love with, without ever believing he could actually exist for me and love me back.
there was the 3 year old debbie who loved to tell stories to anyone who would listen, no matter how incoherent my toddler words were. the 5 year old debbie who'd cry when her older brother threw snowballs at her, and who loved going camping along the river with her family and their janky vw bus. there was the 6 year old debbie who learned that her parents had decided to move the family to america, and who then had to say good-bye to jenny, leila, julia, sparky the cat, and freddy the hamster. seven year old me went to the movie theater for the first time and saw mulan with her dad. she befriended keri, sammy, and kelly, and together they dominated elementary school. in 3rd grade, i met my favorite teacher of all time and quickly and proudly rose to the rank of teacher's pet along with keri. school was my thing. the goin' buggy play, the c.a. thayer, the coast trip, and the 13 colonies play marked serious competition, but for all my spunk, i ended up cast as the role of "boy" in the 5th grade play. at least i got to sing a solo...
13 year old debbie had her dad taken from her, and by 14, both men in the house had left, one to be with God, the other to serve our country. God, however, always provides, and before long, the little man was with us. high school started, and so did my ridiculous crush phase. the boy i thought i was going to marry, only soon to learn that God came first, and so did mom's rules, and at 14, no kid knows what it is to truly love. high school flew by, and after watching kim's graduation on friday, i realize now how insignificant the class of '09 is in the big picture. we were just one of dozens of other 17 and 18 year olds to head out of high school and onto the next chapter. high school wasn't all there is, because now, there's so much more. i threw my cap into the air, breezed through grad parties, and in the heat of a california july summer, prepared for a life in southern california.
and now, here i am. kim's graduated. simon's getting married. les lives/d in hawaii. the girls are in the bay area, philly, utah, and nevada. i finally got my first kiss and met the boy i'd been hoping for all along. my new girls hail from san diego, washington, sunnyvale, and dozens of socal towns i'd never heard of 2 years ago. and yet, letting things go and watching things change didn't end the life i'd known.
that girl in those boxes was pretty cool. let's be real. but she had lessons to learn and people to meet. loved ones to let go and friends to make. and her journey isn't over, because that cardboard box sitting amongst the plastic ones represents the next phase & the new memories still to come...
i am no longer the girl who ransacked the thrift store bookshelves for dime cent (christian) romance novels, poring over the paperback in one night, and then falling asleep praying and wishing for my one day prince charming who would swoon me with his lopsided grin, sparkling eyes, and manly devotion to God.
i am no longer the girl who won 8 awards at her 8th grade award assembly, no longer the girl who conducted her 8th grade symphonic band for their last song with my sparkly blue baton (which, i still have of course).
during my sophomore year of high school, i volunteered at the local hospital, and as part of the deal, had to buy a pair of scrubs. i still have them, because i mean, who else has scrubs? and maybe, one day, they'll come in handy for something. or maybe they'll simply serve as a reminder of that time when i dreamed of being a nurse and saving lives (until i realized i couldn't spend every day wearing sneakers and working in a fluorescently lit white-walled building).
there was that one time i wore a pepto bismal pink swing dress for sadies, my first formal floor length gown for freshman homecoming. my first, and only, corsage. the beige beret i bought in montmartre during a weekend excursion to paris. the picture frames i used to have scattered around my room, of my best friends, of adventures, of family. there's the first piano recital ribbon i received, and my old sunday dresses from my six-year-old days. i still have my first kilt, a small reminder of my scottish childhood. there are boxes of postcards, birthday cards, and letters. high-school crush love notes to remind me of my insecure and girlish self who eventually learned that boys aren't the end all and be all of everything. i have piles of programs from graduations, band concerts, choir performances, dance recitals, and piano recitals (i was an artsy kid - can you tell?) i have my old awana awards and my basketball trophies. and in every pink or purple storage box, another reminder of the past is treasured.
i thought that i could thin out a few more of my belongings, but i simply can't toss my 5th grade state project into the trash, because, hello, idaho & potatoes practically consumed the last trimester of my elementary school career.
in all honesty though, it's not the material things that mean so much; it's the nostalgia that goes with them, the simple reminders of the past. i am who i am today as a result of the girl i was, a month ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, a decade ago...she hasn't disappeared. she's simply melted into the layers of growth, maturity, and experience those years have created. in 10 years, i'll look back at my college years, remember roommates and lukewarm showers, redundant cafeteria food and beater cars. i'll remember what it was to figure out my future, only to then realize that i'm now living that future, and probably still trying to figure out the next 10 years. i'll remember my best friends and how much they changed my life and bettered me. i'll remember the boy who pursued me and romanced me and who i fell in love with, without ever believing he could actually exist for me and love me back.
there was the 3 year old debbie who loved to tell stories to anyone who would listen, no matter how incoherent my toddler words were. the 5 year old debbie who'd cry when her older brother threw snowballs at her, and who loved going camping along the river with her family and their janky vw bus. there was the 6 year old debbie who learned that her parents had decided to move the family to america, and who then had to say good-bye to jenny, leila, julia, sparky the cat, and freddy the hamster. seven year old me went to the movie theater for the first time and saw mulan with her dad. she befriended keri, sammy, and kelly, and together they dominated elementary school. in 3rd grade, i met my favorite teacher of all time and quickly and proudly rose to the rank of teacher's pet along with keri. school was my thing. the goin' buggy play, the c.a. thayer, the coast trip, and the 13 colonies play marked serious competition, but for all my spunk, i ended up cast as the role of "boy" in the 5th grade play. at least i got to sing a solo...
13 year old debbie had her dad taken from her, and by 14, both men in the house had left, one to be with God, the other to serve our country. God, however, always provides, and before long, the little man was with us. high school started, and so did my ridiculous crush phase. the boy i thought i was going to marry, only soon to learn that God came first, and so did mom's rules, and at 14, no kid knows what it is to truly love. high school flew by, and after watching kim's graduation on friday, i realize now how insignificant the class of '09 is in the big picture. we were just one of dozens of other 17 and 18 year olds to head out of high school and onto the next chapter. high school wasn't all there is, because now, there's so much more. i threw my cap into the air, breezed through grad parties, and in the heat of a california july summer, prepared for a life in southern california.
and now, here i am. kim's graduated. simon's getting married. les lives/d in hawaii. the girls are in the bay area, philly, utah, and nevada. i finally got my first kiss and met the boy i'd been hoping for all along. my new girls hail from san diego, washington, sunnyvale, and dozens of socal towns i'd never heard of 2 years ago. and yet, letting things go and watching things change didn't end the life i'd known.
that girl in those boxes was pretty cool. let's be real. but she had lessons to learn and people to meet. loved ones to let go and friends to make. and her journey isn't over, because that cardboard box sitting amongst the plastic ones represents the next phase & the new memories still to come...
May 24, 2011
turn, turn, turn.
i haven't had the chance to blog in weeks, but now that summer's here, i'm determined to get back into it. believe me, my head's been spinning with millions of potential blog topics, so let's see if i can get them out on paper.
first things first, my semester officially ended last tuesday, and to kick off the summer, the boy and i retreated to the mountains for the day. finally, an entire alone day to spend together in God's wonderful & peaceful creation.
snow, hail, rain, sun, and fog assailed us, but 9 miles later we were thoroughly refreshed, and totally exhausted. a day for adventure though was so needed, and i'm so thankful God gave us that moment. in a world constantly interrupted by work, homework, school, responsibilities, and a minor need for sleep, simultaneous alone time is hard to come by! thank goodness for summer...
the day ended with a trip to the grocery store and then a homecooked dinner in (which he helped with!) & it was delicious. i love nights like those...
since then, packing, moving, & working have defined my first week of summer. i'm so glad to be back in the josie house with manda (& erin when she gets back!). there's nothing better than finally having a kitchen, making homemade dinners, and baking cookies. i love domestic...ness?
i've been telling people over again that i'm almost overwhelmed with nothingness. on tuesday night, after 3 finals and over 5 final papers, i literally found myself creating homework assignments for myself before consciously making it stop. school is consuming, and if this semester has taught me anything, it's that school is not the most important thing. in all honesty, college facilitates my life right now...it's the reason i'm here and gives me purpose for whatever the next step is, but is by no means my life. in 60 years, i won't remember the grade i got on my midterm; i'll cherish the relationships i made, the community i discovered, and the experiences i'll remember.
saturday marked the most spontaneous day yet. after waffling between "should i, or shouldn't i?," with the help of manda and a free afternoon, i finally got my nose pierced!
first things first, my semester officially ended last tuesday, and to kick off the summer, the boy and i retreated to the mountains for the day. finally, an entire alone day to spend together in God's wonderful & peaceful creation.
snow, hail, rain, sun, and fog assailed us, but 9 miles later we were thoroughly refreshed, and totally exhausted. a day for adventure though was so needed, and i'm so thankful God gave us that moment. in a world constantly interrupted by work, homework, school, responsibilities, and a minor need for sleep, simultaneous alone time is hard to come by! thank goodness for summer...
the day ended with a trip to the grocery store and then a homecooked dinner in (which he helped with!) & it was delicious. i love nights like those...
since then, packing, moving, & working have defined my first week of summer. i'm so glad to be back in the josie house with manda (& erin when she gets back!). there's nothing better than finally having a kitchen, making homemade dinners, and baking cookies. i love domestic...ness?
i've been telling people over again that i'm almost overwhelmed with nothingness. on tuesday night, after 3 finals and over 5 final papers, i literally found myself creating homework assignments for myself before consciously making it stop. school is consuming, and if this semester has taught me anything, it's that school is not the most important thing. in all honesty, college facilitates my life right now...it's the reason i'm here and gives me purpose for whatever the next step is, but is by no means my life. in 60 years, i won't remember the grade i got on my midterm; i'll cherish the relationships i made, the community i discovered, and the experiences i'll remember.
saturday marked the most spontaneous day yet. after waffling between "should i, or shouldn't i?," with the help of manda and a free afternoon, i finally got my nose pierced!
soaking is no fun at all...but it makes for perfect girl chat time with that (^) girl...and there is SO much to catch up on. this semester did not turn out at all how i planned, and i have no idea where the next will lead, but it's better than i could have possibly hoped for...
the other day, i had a coffee chat with a beautiful young girl who i find so inspiring in her dedication to truly reflecting Christ in all she does. we chatted a lot about this past semester and what the summer will hold...busy-ness burnt me out in these past few months, and more than anything, i hope to truly be intentional with my time, with God, and with people in these next few weeks.
i miss feeling inspired...and i'm craving inspiration for something...but i'll expand more later, maybe.
i can't wait to see what the next chapter holds...transitioning out of the dorms & into a house will be such a blast, but i'll definitely miss these ladies! they made these past 2 years so memorable, and i've most certainly been blessed with wonderful dorm/roommates!
the other day, i had a coffee chat with a beautiful young girl who i find so inspiring in her dedication to truly reflecting Christ in all she does. we chatted a lot about this past semester and what the summer will hold...busy-ness burnt me out in these past few months, and more than anything, i hope to truly be intentional with my time, with God, and with people in these next few weeks.
i miss feeling inspired...and i'm craving inspiration for something...but i'll expand more later, maybe.
i can't wait to see what the next chapter holds...transitioning out of the dorms & into a house will be such a blast, but i'll definitely miss these ladies! they made these past 2 years so memorable, and i've most certainly been blessed with wonderful dorm/roommates!
for now, summer 2011, let's see what you've got =)
May 14, 2011
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