i just napped for almost 2 hours...& i feel extremely guilty about it. is it ok to just throw on some sweatpants after a busy morning, grab a good book, and then read until your eyes just can't stay open anymore? i'm so UN-used to this, that the whole concept of it is extremely strange, and to spend an afternoon lounging and reading makes me seem lazy in comparison to others who may be at work, or getting ready for work. the idea of an entire free day absolutely panics me. why? i'm not sure. but it does.
all last semester, the idea of just one free day, or one morning to sleep in, sounded like heaven. amidst the papers, the late nights, the tests, 2 jobs, and a million responsibilities, i literally thought i might drown in the busy-ness before i made it to summer break. if i did make it though, i promised myself i'd indulge in the free time, relax, rest, and recuperate. yet, there is such a fine line between resting and just being idle, and i pray i'm not the latter. this past week is restarted a crazy obsession with my planner, to fill it up with appts and to-dos and coffee dates, and even with all the planning, i've still found time for me, for quiet, and for those who matter most to me. this is the life.
best of all, i've realized that the less i've had to think of the things i've had to do, the more time i've had to think of others, and i catch myself going through the day thinking about someone i spoke to 3 days ago and actually praying for people like i said i would. less me in my head has created room for more others in my prayers, and i have loved it.
constant busy-ness is not good. i know that. i've done that. i've been told that. i have seen the fruit, or lack thereof, of a slammed schedule. it creates selfishness, hinders you from taking time for others, and exhausts you in the most unhealthy way. time is such a blessing, but it also a test. how do i spend my extra time - on me, or on others? with God, or with the world? i told T the other day that the idea of free time scares me, and he laughed and looked at me like i was crazy. maybe i am. but then he said, 'have you talked to God about what you can do with it?' 'good idea,' was my only response.
for all my hopes of catching up on TV and indulging in shallow pleasures this summer, the idea actually sounds awful to me. after being forced to leave the media behind for a semester, i have absolutely no desire for it. i cannot tell you who's dating who, what the next blockbuster hit will be, or what the gLee finale looked like, and to be honest with you, i just don't care. i have so many things still to do, but summer break now gives me the time to do them and the freedom to choose how i'd like to spend my time. suddenly, i can say yes to plans, seek people out, be intentional, and step right back into the social life i had to cut out last semester. i just pray i balance everything and everyone and, above all, honor God in my time.
strangely, i don't feel so guilty about my nap anymore.