crumbling

sometimes, i just want to escape. everything suddenly hits me ,and i feel overwhelmed, incapable, inept, and utterly exhausted. a friend requesting an e-mail suddenly becomes just one more thing to put on the list. for a couple of hours, i'm absolutely burnt out. the things i absolutely love most become chores. i love church and serving on leadership, but sometimes, it's just too much. i love spending time with people and having coffee dates, but sometimes, i feel like i just can't have one more deep conversation without falling apart. i love spending time with loved ones, but sometimes, the thought of curling up in bed and just sleeping sounds so much nicer. sometimes, i just can't do everything.

i wouldn't categorize myself as an insanely busy person this semester, but God has continued placing opportunity up opportunity into my life; i am so grateful for those chances, but they're also risky. sometimes i feel like everyone is watching, and i am this close to falling flat on my face. i'm constantly constantly learning. learning what it means to be a good friend, a better girlfriend, an emotional support for my engaged best friend, a good sister, a helpful leader, an involved servant.

ever just feel pulled in a million directions? when i'm this close to snapping, all i want is just to escape here:

giving thanks | day two

yesterday, i was simply thankful for time. this morning, T left for an overnight backpacking trip with the Pursuit guys. this trip has been his baby for the last couple of months, and yesterday, the day before the 'manventure' finally arrived, was a day of all days. he had so much to do, and i knew he did, so going into the day, i worked my schedule around so that i could spend the afternoon and evening helping him with whatever he needed. if you know anything about me, or about us, it's that we are both busy people, and unfortunately that means our schedules often clash. but sometimes, everything just works out. i was simply thankful that this week was a little easier for me so that i could give my time to whatever T needed - amongst midterms, manventure, and a day of 'sick in bed,' there was a lot to do. two wheatgrass and coldbuster runs to jamba, a morning run to starbs to fuel the boy with caffeine as he studied, and sharing a car as his brakes got fixed where all highlights of my week - does that sound weird? i love loving on him. actions and words are most definitely my love languages. i'm a martha, not a mary - sometimes it gets out of hand, i'll admit, but i'm grateful for opportunities to serve and to love through time and service.

oh and p.s. because of CSULB's scheduling this next week, i officially have 6 days off of school (SO thankful for that!). i hardly know what to do with myself. time to plan another adventure!

giving thanks | day one

so i stole this idea from a friend and am going to pick something to be thankful for every single day. november shouldn't be the exception - we should always be thankful - but since it is the season, here we go.

this morning, i'm thankful for many many things, but i'll just pick 2: the Word of God & a love that deepens every single day.

mornings quietly spent in the Word are so precious to me. sometimes i forget that, and so i forget to spend that time aside. but when i wake up, grab my journal and Bible, and head to the couch in my comfies, i have a few minutes of refreshment to kick off the day just right. for the last few weeks or so, T and i have been focusing on 1 Peter, memorizing bits of it, reading different sections, and reading it together. this morning, i revisited the entire book, and people, let me tell ya - Peter has some great things to say. this verse, concerning women and their beauty, has always been one of my favorites:

'wives, be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. for this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.'

isn't it fantastic that words written thousands of years ago still hold so much relevance to today? God's word is timeless.

today, i'm also thankful for the gift of love i've been given, a love that deepens every day and only becomes stronger and truer. i'm thankful for a man who i can respect, look up to, admire, and be proud of. i'm thankful for a man who is so worthy of respect, and yet never believes he deserves it. his humility makes him even greater, and i am learning so much from him.

happy november

people, the holidays are approaching, and i am one happy happy girl! hello jackets, scarves, boots, apple cider, red and yellow leaves, holiday music, gift buying, snuggly movie days, comfort food, and love. 

i have been all over pinterest today, and every picture of comfy socks and coffee mugs and ice skating is just driving me crazy. it's truly the most wonderful time of the year! 

happy red cup season, happy november, and happy holiday season (almost)!

8 months & old people

yesterday was the 27th - a truly special date. it was 8 months ago that the boy swept me up to a mountaintop, asked me to be his girl, and kissed me for the first time. 8 months later, i'm still sure that saying 'yes' was the absolute best thing i ever did.

t & i aren't necessarily huge 'monthiversary' people. but yesterday, was truly memorable.

the last month hasn't been the easiest. i've learned so much, been challenged in so many ways, and have epically failed at being a good girlfriend every once in a while. love is tough stuff sometimes, you know? but it is SO rewarding. every day, i pray that the Lord will show me what it means to be a Godly woman, and eventually, a Godly wife. that might sound a little fast to some of you, but i firmly believe that you won't become that Godly wife the minute you say 'i do.' it's a process, one you can start right now, even if you're not in relationship. those characteristics take a long time to develop, after lots of testing, failing, and trying again. i'm pretty sure that even when i do say my 'i dos,' i still won't be all there, but maybe i'll be a little bit closer. this past month has proven to me that God is faithful, even in our relationships. like i said earlier, my story is undoubtedly a God-scripted one, and without Him, i wouldn't be as blessed as i am. love is a gift, one that needs to be cherished every single day. i'm so thankful for HIS patience with me and so thankful for T's unconditional love as well. our life isn't a fairytale; we're thrown curveballs all the time, but i wouldn't trade it for anything, because our love? it's perfect to me.

conveniently, this month the 27th fell on the same day as the Pursuit's Halloween Party, and it was hilarious. T has the incredible gift of being silly, and his old man act won us in n out gift cards - can you say dinner date? ;] but besides the pumpkin carving and the hilarious costumes, last night, i was also unexpectedly wooed & cherished in a BIG way...

in the middle of the party, old man T threw his walker aside, sprinted down to his car, and came back bearing a box in his hand and asking for the mic. oh dear. he grabbed his walker, toddled up to the front of the room, called me up to his side, and thoroughly embarrassed me by announcing our monthiversary to everyone and handing me a box and a card. i did not see it coming. but his big and sweet romantic gesture left me on cloud 9 for the rest of the night. i love cards, and i love practical gifts, like season 2 of modern family. holla.

all that mushy-gushy business to say, it was a happiest of 8 months, i'm officially the luckiest girl, and i will love this man even when we are wrinkly, decrepit, and old. definitely.

typing & creating

almost two years ago, i finally invested in adobe photoshop, and it's taken me two years to even tap at all this program can do! many missed lectures, procrastinated homework assignments, and headaches later, i'm still just tinkering about on my computer, but oh, the magic photoshop can do. 

i'm so obsessed in fact, that after being on campus for 8 hours, i trudged right into the library after 5 lectures, just to play around a little more with my latest hobby - typography.

 

 

what do you think?

a God-scripted story / part 1: singleness

once upon a time, there was a girl who loved love. she read books about it, loved stories about other couples who had found love, watched every rom-com she could get her hands on, and always always hoped that maybe one day, she'd find love like that too.

when she was in the 8th grade, she vowed never to kiss a boy while she still had braces. her braces came off, and of course, there were no prospects. she graduated high school realizing she'd never had, and never would have, a high school sweetheart. though she had her moments of doubt, whether she doubted God, doubted herself, or doubted love, she poured herself into everything else life gave her. one summer, she realized she was all grown up, and it was time to pack up her room, throw everything in her car, and head into a big and scary unknown, knowing that she was leaving a family behind who loved her, and her God was going with her, every step of the way. and in the back of her mind, she hoped that maybe, just maybe, she'd find her man at college.

socal boys, foul mouths, and the realities of a HUGE secular school quickly erased any of those wild ideas, and save for the few exceptions, the girl had all but given up on boys. she was disappointed, and yes, maybe a little bitter too. and then one cold winter night, it hit her. before she could ever enter into a healthy, lasting, and Godly relationship, she first had to be ok with being alone. instead of accepting the bitter fact, she had to learn to accept the wonderful truth that there was already someone out there, someone God had specifically designed for her, someone God was preparing her for, and someone God was preparing for her. in that moment, she thanked the Lord for sparing her from those silly high-school crushes and keeping those doors closed, time after time. she realized now that it wasn't just her, fighting alone. God was already ahead of her, and yet, He was right there beside her at the same time.

instead of focusing on the short term, the instant gratification of simply having a boyfriend, she began thinking long-term, praying for her man-to-be, and praying daily that God would constantly grow contentment and trust in her heart, because that's the secret to happiness - being content in your circumstances. and for once, she was absolutely ok with being single. good-bye with the whiny conversations with other girlfriends, good-bye to the hopeless swooning over movies and everything else fiction. hello reality. it wasn't an easy journey, but after nineteen years of disappointment and pointless wondering, God finally made the message clear - He was enough, and that boy? the perfect, loving, all i could have ever dreamed of boy? he was out there, somewhere - it just wasn't time yet. she wasn't ready, and neither was he.

for all your single girls, that is my story. i feel like i've been hearing so many stories about singleness, waiting, hoping, praying, and learning, and believe me, it's a journey, but such a rewarding one. sometimes i feel like my story is absolutely void considering where life has me now, but it's not. every moment of the hoping, every moment of the wishing, taught me valuable lessons, and i wouldn't change those nineteen years of alone-ness for anything.

i was that girl, the girl in her whole group of new college friends who'd never been kissed. the girl who adamantly believed in love, and yet hadn't never known boy love for herself. the girl who had never been on a date, had always gone to high-school dances with her group of girlfriends. a girl who unwaveringly believed that God already had her love story scripted, and if she would just follow Him, she'd know a life and a love better than she could have ever hoped for.

and i was right...but that story can wait for later ;]