March 15, 2011

mountain high, valley low, & all the inbetween

tuesday morning. 7:54 am. i should be getting ready for school - doing the make up/hair/clothes/make the bed thing, but my head is spinning. i'm a processer, an analyzer, and i've also gotten pretty good at getting myself ready in under 15 minutes. so, here i am.

does it ever feel like everyone else's world is falling apart, and though yours is completely fine, you're struggling not to be dragged down with everyone else? it's been one of those of those friend after friend after friend wants to have a deep, serious, my-life-is-really-tough right now chat. and i love those. i have no problem with that at all. but in the midst of all that, i have to remind myself that their life is not mine. not mine to struggle with, to carry, or to fix. a week ago, i was on top of the world. this week has been a test to that.

sometimes we just need to say it how it is. there's only so much empathy and compassion for one situation, you know? i love hearing people's hearts, love seeing their desire for things to change, to see God, to "feel" God; but at the same time, there comes a point where you can't wallow in the valley anymore. i know it's draining and exhausting and hopeless, but there must be joy in the midst of all of it. and usually i don't have a problem with this. usually i love being a helper and a listener. but this week, it's been emotionally draining.

if God is our strength in weakness, why do we fear weakness so much? if God works out all things for our good, then why are we so afraid of our circumstances? sometimes i need to remind myself that it's about the big picture, not the right here right now. because often, the right here right now is no fun at all. but our reward is greater than this. our hope is eternal.

i understand that depression often draws people closer to God. i understand that growth happens in the valleys. but sometimes i just want to run from that. sometimes, i'm on a mountaintop and am so glad to be out of the valley, that i wish everyone was up on the mountain with me. there's a reason that we're all where we're at though. and maybe, for this season, my mountain high is meant to aid others in their valley low. clearly, however, i can't do it myself. i have to find my joy in Christ, find my strength there, and remember how far He's taken me.

maybe God is tossing me off cloud 9 to show me that there is still a lot i can learn. do my words always build people up? or in my sassy-ness, do i tear people down? am i patient, compassionate, and empathetic? why is it that it irks me when people rain on my parade? am i sympathizing with their heart, or look for my own selfish gain? humility seems to be the key to everything.

at the same time though, sometimes i think we just need to have fun, and we don't allow ourselves that. everyone is stressed, overwhelmed, emotionally burdened, or physically unwell - this shouldn't be the norm. i want to see people laugh, without feeling guilty about wasting time laughing. i want to see people go on adventures, without once mentioning the words, "i have so much homework to do when i get back." i want to see people get lost in conversation with each other, and come out of it feeling lighter than before. i want to see people love themselves instead of harping on their flaws. yesterday i had to remind myself that i am "fearfully and wonderfully made," and that my existence is a God thing, for His glory. this life is not about us, and the minute we stop thinking about ourselves, things fall into place.

{the joy of the Lord is our strength}

1 comment:

  1. Deb,
    Even though I will see you in about 45 minutes I just wanted to comment that I liked this post. I am sorry that I have had to emotionally abuse you this past week, but to be fair, you told me you were down for it. And you have been! And I'm blessed. I'm sorry if I've rained on your parade or drained you; I'm working on getting better and finding my own joy.
    I feel like this blog is just a summary of all the things we've talked about lately and especially the part about loving life without worrying about homework and busyness all the time. I am excited for our shallow day and for all of this immediate hurt and strain to subside. I'm glad that you quit your internship. I think it will be good for you to get more time to yourself. And, btw, there is nothing wrong with being good at getting ready in 15 minutes, that is something that I am also striving for.

    See you in a smidge.

    [AHH I'm saying smidge hahaha ;)]